My boyfriend is so insecure that, if we don’t have sex for more than a couple of days, he thinks I’m losing interest and will end up breaking up with him. On top of that, he’s so insecure about his looks he constantly wants me to…
Hey Woody,
My boyfriend is so insecure that, if we don’t have sex for more than a couple of days, he thinks I’m losing interest and will end up breaking up with him. On top of that, he’s so insecure about his looks he constantly wants me to have sex with him in front of the webcam for people all over the country to see. Growing up he was an overweight geek and people used to make fun of him. Now he’s a buff, handsome guy. On the webcam, guys are always saying something complimentary and he feeds off that. He admits his desire for constant sex is tied to his insecurities. I don’t want to be a killjoy about the exhibitionist thing but I’m beginning to feel insecure about our relationship—that the webcam is so important to him if I say “No more” it’s going to endanger our relationship. Help!
— Ready for our close-up
Dear Ready:
Healthy relationships are driven by love, not fear. You guys are so fear-driven you’re making Stephen King a little nervous. You are both afraid you’re going to leave each other for NOT doing something. He’s scared you’re going to leave if he doesn’t give you sex and you’re afraid he’s going to leave if you don’t give him sex in front of the camera.
My first piece of advice is to turn the freakin’ cam off. It’s exacerbating both your fears. Chasing sex, getting it or showing it off online is for secure couples that want to add excitement to a stable relationship. Your relationship is about as stable as a Liz Taylor marriage. There are abandonment issues on both sides. You can turn it back on once you guys feel confident nobody’s going anywhere.
The webcam (or any online meat-procuring method—chat, email, etc.) carries with it a subtle threat that’s adding fuel to your fears. And the threat is, “Look at all these guys who want me. If you don’t do what I say there are plenty of guys who’ll take me.” He’s emotionally blackmailing you. And it’s working. Subconsciously you’re probably saying to yourself: “He’s preparing to leave by hanging out in places where single people meet each other.”
Turning off the cam is just step 1. The next step is to stop confusing sex for love. Sex is not going to keep you guys together—love will. The problem is, he believes, wrongly, that sex is the only valuable thing he has to give you. You believe, wrongly, that giving in to sex is the only valuable thing you have to offer. Your homework: Twice a week you have to give each other a non-sexual demonstration of your affection. It doesn’t have to be an expensive store-bought gift. (Now, if you were dating me, that’d be a different story, but you’re not, so your wallet’s safe.)
Actually, the less money you spend the better. You don’t want money to be the marker for love either. Here are some great examples of things you can do:
· On your bathroom mirror, use shaving cream to spell out, “I Love You.”
· Hide a note inside the medicine cabinet. I’m thinking something along the lines of “I love waking up with you in the mornings,” not “Honey; it’s time to double the dosage on your Prozac.”
· Take a picture of you guys kissing, then hide it in an easy place to find (like behind the pillow of a couch).
• Cut out footprints in paper and place them on a trail from the front door to a closet. When he opens the door he’ll find an envelope with two tickets to a movie.
The point is to build a solid structure to your relationship before you add adventurous, but potentially risky, sexual behavior. Don’t confuse a side dish for the main meal. Cover your bases before you uncover the camera.
