My name is Ryan Edwards, and I am an aspiring writer who also loves to poke fun at various topics, especially music. After all, there is so much seriousness in the world today, why not add some laughter? I have lived all over the United States, from Manhattan to Las Vegas to Fort Lauderdale and beyond. However, no matter where I’ve traveled, I’ve always considered South Florida to be home. I spent my early and mid-20s living in Wilton Manors reading and hoping to have my photo in Hotspots. So, it’s an honor to now write a music column for them.

Look, I’m 36 years old, so today’s pop music just doesn’t cut it with me. I’m at the age when Sexy Otter meets Bitter B!tch. In my day, the Chainsmokers were my friends and me at 5 a.m. walking from the Coliseum to the Copa. Twenty One Pilots was a damn good night at the bathhouse after an airline convention.  However, some of it is tolerable, so here’s my take on some big songs in late 2016.

This Town by Niall Horan

Omg! This song is so lame and hipster that I am gauging my ears, getting a sleeve tattoo that says “Mom,” and buying plaid suspenders from Urban Outfitters as we speak.

[friend shows me who sings it on the internet]

Oh, it’s by the hot blonde from One Direction?! It should win a Grammy. It’s everything!

 

Side by Side by Ariana Grande feat. Nicki Minaj

Does Nicki Minaj still speak with that fake ass English accent? You know, the one that sounds more fabricated than the one from that new Beverly Hills Real Housewife. Horrid. Some call Ariana the next Mariah Carey. Whatever. Licking a donut is hardly the same as a Glitter level breakdown. Maybe in a decade she’ll be invited to Rockefeller Center to screech a version of “Problem” with a haggard Iggy Azalea looking like a Lil Kim, the one from today.

 

Closer by The Chainsmokers

I had a gay mid-life crisis, so at age 30. I too bought a Range Rover I could not afford, so this song really speaks to me. Also, omg! That one half of the group is so hot! Which one? Well, one looks like an Andrew Christian model, and the other looks like John Goodman’s reject son. You tell me, hunty!

 

24K Magic by Bruno Mars

What do Bruno Mars and twinks have in common? Cocaine in Las Vegas.

What do they not have in common? Twinks don’t get caught. Amateur!

Oh, and, c’mon! All that money you made off of “Uptown Funk…” You can afford 240K Magic. Step your game up!

 

I Don’t Wanna Live Forever by Zayn Malik & Taylor Swift

Beyoncé may have had the greatest video of all time, according to Kanye, but Tay Tay had a duet with the hottest man on the planet and on the soundtrack for the hottest movie on the planet! Taylor may go “Back to December” all the time after this massive hit. Hell, this bad b!tch bags every hot musician. She’s got four #1 Billboard pop hits by herself and several more by injection.