Good Girls Dont on the First Flight

 

Hey Woody!

I keep meeting these guys that sexually tease me and then at the last minute they play Sister Mary Magdalene and claim they’re “just not that kind of girl.”

Last month I met some flight attendant on the way home from a business trip and he agreed to spend the next weekend with me. We had a great dinner and then things got hot and heavy at my place. We’re kissing, scratching tonsils with our tongues and our hands are all over each other. I make my move and I guess he gets insulted that I tried to board him without the proper ticketing or something.

He was like, “I don’t have sex on the first date.” I’m thinking “Who is this Winged Wh-re kidding?” and I get even more forceful. I was like, “nobody spends the weekend with a stranger they picked up on a plane without wanting sex, you f–king Air Mattress.” And with that I hauled off and smacked him to the ground. I would have f–ked him right then and there but luckily I came to my senses and just threw him out of the apartment.

So I have two questions: First, why are all these guys such prick-teases? Second, how do I keep my anger about this in check? There’s something about a guy refusing to have sex after a heavy make-out session that makes me go berserk.

— Mad as Hell

Dear Mad:

Why are all these guys such prick-teases? Because they’re going out with such a prick.

If I were the Sky Witch I would’ve opened the emergency door at thirty thousand feet and pushed you off. And if that didn’t work I would have jumped out myself.

Clearly, you’re doing something wrong if you can’t get a flight attendant to f–k you. I mean, one kiss and it’s heels-to-Jesus with those guys.

The reason guys leave you boiling at the bedpost is because you have an odor of entitlement that stinks up the place. Nobody owes you sex even if they’ve kissed you or fondled your wallet at dinner.

Here’s why I think you’re doing it: You’re a spoiled little s–t who’s been catered to all his life. You’re not used to people saying no to you because you’ve always gotten what you’ve always wanted. Like a two-year-old, the word “no” ENRAGES you.

Make no mistake about it; you have a serious problem. You need a therapist to figure out why sex is the only thing that validates you with other guys. Their company, their kisses, their attention don’t seem to mean s–t to you. Only their willingness to have sex satisfies you.

If you’re not willing to get therapy then I have two options for you:

1) Wear a red neon sign over your head that blinks “Put Out or Get Out” whenever you go on a date so your victims at least know what they’re in for.

2) Make an attempt to change yourself. Ask yourself why you’re so angry. Learn a little empathy. How would you feel if you changed your mind about somebody and they tried to force you to have sex? As a formative exercise, ask guys out and YOU be the one to decline sex. Learn to enjoy a man’s company whether he puts out or not.

3) Get better at getting booty. The difference between rape and seduction is salesmanship. With your sales technique you couldn’t sell water to the rich and thirsty.

SHARE
Previous articleQueens We Love: Daisy Deadpetals
Next articleCreep of the Week: Alex Jones
Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.