In Issue 21
“The best cure for a hangover is something one straight man can’t do for another straight man.” – Ben Affleck shares one of our little secrets. How does he know it works so well? Only Matt Damon knows for sure.
Last week, my routine trip from Fort Lauderdale to Los Angeles took over 15 hours and included paramedics, tornado-strength winds and cities not even on my itinerary. I know I’m going to get no sympathy from you, but I must give props to my puppy Li Li who stayed in her travel bag and didn’t make a peep the entire flight.
Needless to say, I wasn’t in a good mood when I finally got back to LA. But you know what perked me up? Reading this headline: “Victoria Principal Pulls Gun on Maid.” That’s my kinda headline! Apparently, the “Dallas” star was irate after Maribel Banegas took too long walking Victoria’s dog – a little Shih Tzu named Mei Ling. According to court papers, the maid asked Vicki for her pay after being sacked. Principal went upstairs and returned packin’ a pistol! She pointed it at the maid, threatened to kill her, and at the same time told another housekeeper to get out of the way so she wouldn’t get hurt. That Vicki, she’s a people person! Principal has filed her own lawsuit, in which she admits that she did pull out a gun, but only after said maid threatened her…and her little dog, too.
For what feels like the hundredth year in a row (in a good way), I will be hosting LA Pride. Among the many performers will be Exposé, starring my buddy, Fort Lauderdale’s own Gioia Bruno. The singer was asked to join the VH1 show “Celebrity Rehab,” but passed. It wasn’t that she wasn’t willing to get sober. She felt $60K wasn’t enough money! “I deserve better than that,” she allegedly told a friend.
A member of the Osmond family recently came out. Marie’s adopted daughter, Jessica. Countering claims that sex has caused a rift between mother and daughter, Mama Marie gave an interview in which she makes it clear that she supports her daughter without conditions. She admits to having some conflicts regarding the religious aspect of same-sex marriage: “When it comes to marriage, I think that civil rights need to be for all. One of the things that we need to be careful is that we don’t create hate, because people believe certain things. And we can’t make everyone become homogenized. Everybody has a right to believe what they believe. I do think everybody has a right to have civil rights. That’s how I feel.”
I was thinking of that statistic – one in ten people are gay. Given all those Osmond’s, Jessica probably has some company.
A questionable photo is making the rounds that allegedly depicts a nude Cheyenne Jackson. Unlike that recent Barrowman dick shot, this one actually has a head, body and penis (thick with a decidedly upward curve). But is it real? Only a small portion of his face is shown, the torso looks kinda short, the penis appears out of nowhere in the bottom of the screen (he’s holding it and it is erect) and said penis is an odd color with a definite “glow.” Even more suspicious is the questionable upholstery on the sofa and the tawdry pile of unfolded laundry! All those reasons make me question its veracity.
Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Marc in DC: “I was watching ‘Party Down’ on Starz and the cater waiter was working an after-party for a porn awards show and was discovered to have a huge cock. Either actor Ken Marino is super hung or that was a pretty realistic looking prosthetic.”
I found the episode in question and it sure does look like a real penis – although who knows.
Incidentally, another reader (who wrote me via my Facebook page) is also watching “Party Down,” but his question was about the first episode of the season when Enrico Colantoni ran buck naked through a reception into a pool. This reader writes, “He seems to show a rather impressive appendage. Might be something good to show in your column.” Ask and you shall receive….at BillyMasters.com.
When anyone is watching the Starz network, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. I admit it – I’ve been pressured into tweeting! My buddy Sherri Shepherd has shamed me into joining Twitter. So while you’re getting the latest dish from my site, head to Twitter (@BillyMasters) to keep up with my shenanigans.