hollywood-alley-holtz-butler-0“The only reason you’ve gotten this far is because of your last name. You’ve faked it for 50 years. You’re very old and you need to play your age and not 12. You’re an old lady!” – NeNe Leakes confronts La Toya Jackson on “Celebrity Apprentice”.

hollywood-alley-holtz-butler-1“The only reason you’ve gotten this far is because of your last name. You’ve faked it for 50 years. You’re very old and you need to play your age and not 12. You’re an old lady!” – NeNe Leakes confronts La Toya Jackson on “Celebrity Apprentice”.

You may not realize it, but lo these 15 years of churning out this column week in and week out, I’ve been playing a little game. Solely to amuse myself, I’ve attempted to work certain words into the column. The word for this week is “schadenfreude”. While I like to think I’m not a bad person, I do often find humor in other people’s misfortunes – but I find even more humor at my own misfortunes! I recently mentioned that I had the harrowing task of taking new publicity photos. While I was struggling through a photo session, Kirstie Alley was being dropped like a ton of bricks on “Dancing with the Stars”. It was like Christmas came a bit early this year. The only thing that could have made it funnier was if Derek Hough had been her partner!! At the exact moment I learned of her fall, I was looking at my photos. Suddenly, nothing was very funny. There’s nothing like looking at unretouched HD photos of yourself to realize how old you’ve gotten. It’s not that I look bad for my age…it’s just that I often forget what that age actually is!

The next thing on my agenda was heading to Palm Springs for Jeffrey Sanker’s White Party. My co-host on the white carpet was the hilarious Shawn Pelofsky. It was our first time working together and we had a blast. Our drag diva greeter was my darling Rhea Litre. One of the

hallmarks of a Sanker event is that many of the same people come together year after year – from the folks working the party to the attendees. This year was no exception and the feeling of celebration was in the air (somewhat nippy air, but even Jeffrey can’t control the weather).

When I was given the list of luminaries I’d be interviewing on the white carpet, I spotted the name Reichen. As is probably common knowledge, Reichen and I have a checkered past. But being older and wiser, I was that perhaps it was time for a détente (yes, another word on my list). That was until the day I was leaving for Palm Springs. That morning I discovered that Reichen had been doing solo jerk-off webcam shows…FOR FREE! What a dilemma. And how do I handle this? I’d have to ask him about it. After all, I am Billy Masters. But that’s how I got myself in trouble in the first place!

On the white carpet, I saw Reichen approach with enormous trepidation. I introduced him as an old friend and as he leaned in for a suspicious embrace, I said, “You have nothing to worry about.” I dismissed our past as just that – been there, done that, let’s move on. And then I jumped right into this new story. Although he previously issued a statement about the photos, Reichen spoke for the first time on camera to moi. He said that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, that lots of gay guys do it, and it’s actually the safest sex you can have. That Reichen – he’s always thinking. I did add that he looks REALLY hot in the pics – which, of course, are on BillyMasters.com. After we finished on camera, I reminded him, “For years, porn studios have been begging you to do porn and you’ve always said no. And now here you are…giving it away!” See? He’s not a whore – a whore would cash in. He’s just a horny guy with needs. FYI, those needs are no longer being fulfilled by Rodiney.

Proving I not only can dish it out but can also take it, let’s talk briefly about Michael Holtz. Mr. Gay US and runner up for Mr. Gay World, named 2010 Athlete of the Year by “Compete” magazine, and has used his swimming skills to raise oodles of money for some good causes. So, to recap, he’s athletic, sweet, and gorgeous. My co-host was fawning all over him, touching his taut torso, and saying, “Who looks like you?”, Michael didn’t miss a beat but pointed to me and said, “You did!”. DID? In the past tense? I suppose it’s kind of a compliment that in the not so distance past, I resembled Michael. But it’s also a cautionary tale. Take a good look at your future, Mikey. Who’s laughing now?

The other memorable person on the carpet was Charo – who never disappoints. She may have been booked to perform, but she really was this year’s White Party Ambassador. She was all over the TV promoting the event, showed up to pose with people and raise money for the NoH8 campaign, and did whatever she could to make sure the partygoers had a great time. On the white carpet, she told me about her new single “Sexy, Sexy” and she tried to show me the new dance, which….well, let’s just say I won’t be on “Dancing with the Stars” anytime soon.

As you all know, former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is relaunching his film career. He wants to whip his body back into shape, and was particularly impressed with Gerard Butler’s physique in “300”. He called the film’s producer to find out who Butler’s personal trainer for the flick was. The director laughed and explained it was all done with CGI. “What are you talking about?” he told the Governator. “That look cost me a lot of money.” But money well spent! I might need that CGI guy’s phone number, too!

When I’ve reunited with Reichen, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Another week, another airport. Time for my annual Easter journey back to Boston – with a side-trip to NYC for some shows, of course. Be sure to keep up with all my comings and goings on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that never takes a vacation. If you have a question, feel free send an e-mail to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I hire that CGI artist to turn back the hands of time. Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.



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