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“Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” – Ben from “The Bachelorette” tells Ashley his feelings after being dumped during the season finale. He should be relieved he doesn’t have to stand there and watch her endlessly twirl those rosebuds betwixt her fingers. I fingered a rosebud recently, but you’re certainly not gonna see that on network TV!

hollywood-matox-butler-herman-1“Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” – Ben from “The Bachelorette” tells Ashley his feelings after being dumped during the season finale. He should be relieved he doesn’t have to stand there and watch her endlessly twirl those rosebuds betwixt her fingers. I fingered a rosebud recently, but you’re certainly not gonna see that on network TV!

I’ve made it home from Europe. . .barely. My luggage, on the other hand, spent an extra few days in Berlin because the Germans are so hospitable. Let’s just say that the Von Trapps had an easier time getting away from the Nazis than my bag had of escaping the clutches of Air Berlin! Luggage or no luggage, I was not missing my annual week in Provincetown with a number of dear friends, including Bob Mackie, Nancy Dussault, Robbie Benson, Peter Marc Jacobson, Mark Sendroff and Marilyn Maye. In addition to eating our way across Cape Cod, our motley crew went to see quite a few performers who you should check out.

Randy Roberts is a veritable institution in Ptown – in fact, he probably should be in an institution with the multiple personalities living inside his sexy skin. His voice has never been better. He looks amazing. And the audience loves him. And his Cher is simply magical.

Varla Jean Merman never ceases to amaze me. The high level of her writing ability is almost matched by her priceless delivery. All that plus she sings and looks great…and at one point, she’s on a swing! As with last year, Varla’s pianist is Tom Judson (aka porn superstar Gus Mattox) – and he’s a great foil for Merman, in addition to looking quite fetching tickling the ivories. He’s also doing his own show, which is somewhat of a departure for him – this one focuses more on his singing and vocal abilities, which are considerable. That said, there were some who may have been dismayed that they didn’t get to see an inch of flesh for at least a half hour. I quipped, “You see more skin at a Marilyn Maye show!” Moments later, Judson re-appeared in undies – a look that was short-lived, but which he nonetheless pulls off quite well. I think the audience left satisfied, and perhaps knowing a bit more about this extraordinarily talented man.

Leslie Jordan brought his new one-man show to Provincetown. “Stories I Can’t Tell Mama” is a delight. He primarily talks about this past year – doing “My Life On The Pink Carpet” in London, appearing in the doomed Broadway-bound musical “Lucky Guy”, and acting in the current box office hit “The Help”. It’s fresh, it’s funny, and it’s fabulous – just like Leslie himself. Check out his website at www.TheLeslieJordan.com and definitely catch him when he’s in a city near you.

And finally, there’s Marilyn Maye. After dragging her with us to Ptown year after year, someone came up with the bright idea of letting this legendary lady do what she does best (which, contrary to local folklore, is not shopping). Marilyn knocked ’em dead with a powerhouse set of standards, classics, and rarities all delivered in her unmistakable clarion tones. More than ably accompanied by the incredible Billy Stritch and two other musicians, Marilyn had the audience eating out of the palm of her hand….and they would have stayed there all night had it not been for the next show being ready to go on. A rare privilege and one that will not soon be forgotten.

Someone who would fit in nicely with the Ptown social scene is Jeremy Jackson. But I was kinda surprised when I read this next story. When he was filming “Celebrity Rehab”, he brought a large water filter with him. Why? Because he believes bottled water causes bisexuality! “The plastic leeches and causes cancer and bisexuality. It’s been linked directly.” Really? Directly where? I’m not sure drinking bottled water will cause him to crave sex with men, but it very well may cause him to fantasize about the bottle!

This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes “Have you seen recent pictures of Gerard Butler? He’s usually hot and beefy, but right now he looks pretty lean and ripped. Is he doing it for a role or just changing his look?” from Joseph in Las Vegas:

Gerard Butler is certainly a ruggedly handsome man who usually looks very hunky (and, occasionally, chunky). So I was quite surprised when researching this question to find photos of him looking very lean, very ripped, and very buff. Oh, and very blond! As it happens, he’s transformed his body for a role in “Mavericks” where he will be playing a professional surfer (which explains the hair). Since I’m sure the rest of the fans will enjoy these semi-nude locker room shots, I’m happy to post them on BillyMasters.com

I haven’t mentioned my buddy Scott Herman in a while. You remember Scott – that insanely gorgeous fitness model from “The Real World – Brooklyn” who can be found giving workout tips on ScottHermanFitness.com. Anyhoo, he’s been the victim of a gay hate crime – which rarely happens to heterosexual men. But when you look like Scott, most people make the assumption that he plays for our team. He was in his native New Hampshire driving around in his Toyota Scion, which has his image and logo wrapped around it, when three guys in a pick-up truck started taunting him at a red light, entered his car, and began a verbal and physical attack. He got away from the guys, but not before taking down their license number. After reporting the attack, he said, “I take my involvement with the LGBT community on anti-bullying very serious which is why I spoke out.” I’m writing about it simply to have an excuse to post a few skin shots of Scott (where you can see pretty much everything) on BillyMasters.com

When people hate Scott just because he’s beautiful, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Phew – I’m back!! And you know what I need? A vacation! That means I’m gonna lay low in Boston for a week prior to reuniting with my paramour in Fort Lauderdale. So while I’m trying to get the smell of bratwurst out of my lederhosen, I will also be updating www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s multilingual. For your questions, send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Jeremy Jackson shares more of his fascinating theories with us! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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