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“We’re judging the jive here, me ole sausage.”Len Goodman chastises Derek Hough after his dance last week with Ricki Lake. “Me ole sausage”? I believe that’s the British equivalent of me calling my friend a messy bottom.

hollywood-evans-winfrey-jane-1“We’re judging the jive here, me ole sausage.” – Len Goodman chastises Derek Hough after his dance last week with Ricki Lake. “Me ole sausage”? I believe that’s the British equivalent of me calling my friend a messy bottom.

After a straight celebrity makes a statement that can be perceived as anti-gay, they always give one of those interviews where they invariably say something like, “I love gay people. Many of my close friends are gay.” But this week, we had a variation on that ole chestnut. It all started a couple of weeks ago when someone asked Thomas Jane if we’d see his character on “Hung” get it on with a dude. “I told HBO, the year I end up with a penis in my mouth is the last year of the show.” Immediately the homophobic word was being bandied about. Damage control was needed. An interview was set up with the LA Times. When Jane talked about trying to break into the business, he said, “When I was a kid out here in LA, I was homeless. I didn’t have any money and I was living in my car. I wasn’t averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?” Oh, I know what you mean. Continuing the sex vis-à-vis food topic, he added, “Until you’ve tasted the food, you don’t know whether you’ll like it or not, as my mom always said.” It sounds like for a while he was going back for seconds!

I’ve been thinking for months – how can I help fill the void in the world that has been left by Oprah Winfrey? Last weekend, I found my answer. While West Hollywood mayor John Duran gave me a tour of our brand new library, I spotted a number of places perfect for illicit assignations. But that’s how I’ll fill other voids. To fill Oprah’s void, I’m going to recommend books for you to read, because if I know nothing else, I know you can read. So why not share the work of my more prolific friends? I’ll be including some celebs like Jackie Collins, Julie Newmar, Dyan Cannon and Florence Henderson. And I’ll also include books from some of our gay scribes like Corey Spears, Derek Hartley, and Ken Howard. Nothing too trashy. Nothing too prurient. But something for everyone.

Since I don’t want to shock your system, we’ll start with one of the most titillating books I have ever read. “The HardBody Chronicles” was penned by my pals, South Florida residents Jake Smyth and Luca Barbieri – not their real names. In fact, the names you’d know them by aren’t their real names either. You may know Luca from his prolific porn career with that high-flying company. Or you may know them from their extremely popular photos taken by Jeff Palmer which likely adorn many of your walls and/or coffee tables (some of those photos are posted on BillyMasters.com). Or you may know them from their HardBody Parties which were legendary in South Beach for the standards of physical beauty that were required to get in. This is not a tell-all. Or is it? It actually falls into the category of a “roman à clef” – the kind of book that got Truman Capote drummed out of society. Which means it’s my kind of book; where the names have been changed to…well, to avoid any lawsuits. But it’s more than that. Between each bitchy and dishy line is a story of real people traversing the ’90s and straddling the line between fear and abandon; between pleasure and pain. And, at least for these two, it’s a story about survival. If you lived through this era, a lot of the material will hit home. In between guessing who’s who in the book, you’ll be aroused, you’ll be moved, you’ll wish you were there, and you may be glad you weren’t. But one thing’s for sure – you’ll enjoy yourself! You can buy the book and get more info at TheHardBodyChronicles.com

Most of you enjoy seeing every inch of sexy Chris Evans. Alas, I have to break some sad news to you. I’m sure you’ve seen the footage on BillyMasters.com of him walking around completely nude in “What’s Your Number”. And, sure, for the most part that is him. But one part isn’t. Chris decided that he needed a butt double. As someone who has spent time with Chris, let me assure you there’s nothing wrong with his ass. But for whatever reason, he enlisted the aid of Zach, his former roommate – because if there’s one thing roommates know, it’s each others’ asses! Adds Chris,”He’s got a great ass.”

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Donny in Michigan: “I just saw ‘American Horror Story’. WOW, Dylan McDermott sure is hot!!! And he was walking around naked. Do you have any outtakes or photos?”

There certainly was a lotta naked Dylan in the premiere – but I’d expect nothing less from creator Ryan Murphy. And I’m told there’s more where that came from. Dylan’s always looked good, but this took it to a whole new level. Bravo to FX for letting it all hang out. Of course, if you missed any of the skin, head to BillyMasters.com

Could it be that a certain highly visible same-sex couple is looking to expand their repertoire? Seem so, according to some South Beach studs who were approached to join in the Cirque du So Gay activities that take place in the pair’s boudoir. While most wisely declined the invite, one did partake of the carnal pleasures that I have no doubt these experienced daddies can provide. The encounter wasn’t horrible, but the newbie called it “awkward – as if maybe it was their first”. The post-coital conversation was far more adept. The more aggressive (read: gainfully employed) mate said he’d be up for future one-on-one action while his spousal-equivalent was busy in the kitchen. The new addition smiled and scooted. Since numbers had already been exchanged, the texts have been flooding in.

When there’s anything wrong with Chris Evans’ body, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Have I mentioned that my personal musings continue in a unique column, Billy’s Boudoir? That column, along with all the titillating material you find here, is all housed on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that fills many voids. If you’ve got one I’ve missed, send some information (and perhaps a photo) along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Thomas Jane gets a hankering for another sandwich! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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