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hollywood-madonna-john-fassbender-0When I walked into the Beverly Hilton for the Golden Globes, a strange man stopped me on the red carpet and handed me his business card, saying that I should call him. He could help me. I shoved it in my pocket and forgot about it. When I took my tux to the cleaner, I found a card for “Instant Burn Recovery,” specialists in plastic surgery for burn victims. Did I look THAT bad? This reminded me of the first time I met Gloria Allred. We were seated together at a party. After a few of my anecdotes, she handed me her card saying, “You should always have this on you – something tells me you’ll need it.”

hollywood-madonna-john-fassbender-1When I walked into the Beverly Hilton for the Golden Globes, a strange man stopped me on the red carpet and handed me his business card, saying that I should call him. He could help me. I shoved it in my pocket and forgot about it. When I took my tux to the cleaner, I found a card for “Instant Burn Recovery,” specialists in plastic surgery for burn victims. Did I look THAT bad? This reminded me of the first time I met Gloria Allred. We were seated together at a party. After a few of my anecdotes, she handed me her card saying, “You should always have this on you – something tells me you’ll need it.”

Speaking of the Golden Globes, the Madonna/Elton John/David Furnish feud hit new highs (or lows, depending on your perspective). The latest kafuffle was about who would win Best Song in a Motion Picture – Elton for “Gnomeo & Juliet” or Madonna for “W.E.”. It was Elton who fired the first shot on the red carpet when he told Carson Daly “She doesn’t have a f**king chance of winning tonight.” This led to Madonna’s retort, “May the best man win.” Of course, it was Madge’s night. Furnish immediately took to Facebook and wrote “Madonna? Best song??? F**k off!!!” He later implied that perhaps the Hollywood Foreign Press gave Madonna the award in return for her being a presenter. What? These aren’t merit-based awards? I refuse to believe it!

When asked about Elton at the press conference, Madonna said, “I hope he speaks to me for the next couple of years. He’s been known to get mad at me so I don’t know. He’s brilliant and I adore him. So he’ll win another award. I don’t feel bad.” This led to headlines all over the world: “Madonna Sniffs, ‘I Don’t Feel Bad'” said one. Another said, “Elton & Hubby Trash Madge.” One headline proclaimed “Uranus Takes a Pounding” which, as it turns out, had nothing to do with either Madonna or Elton…or David, for that matter. Then Furnish (begrudgingly, I’m sure) apologized: “Wow! What a tempest in a teapot. My comments regarding the Golden Globes have been blown way out of proportion. My passion for our film ‘Gnomeo & Juliet’ and belief in Elton’s song really got my emotional juices going. But I must say for the record that I do believe Madonna is a great artist, and that Elton and I wish her all the best for next week’s premiere of the film ‘W.E.'” Not as poetic as “F**k off!” but just as sincere.

You don’t expect to read a story about Corey Feldman in a newspaper…except in England where he’s currently appearing on the TV show “Dancing on Ice” – competing against such luminaries as Charlene Tilton! Feldman has “vowed” to write a book. Perhaps a better word would be “threatened,” for he plans to talk about the sexual abuse he suffered as a young actor. And he promises to name names (I think we can guess one of the names)! In what I suppose is a “teaser”, he told a reporter from “The Sun”, “When I was 14 and 15, things were happening to me.

These older men were leching around like vultures. It was basically me laying there pretending I was asleep and them going about their business.” Not to minimize this, but if I had a nickel for every time I was “asleep” when something happened, I’d be a rich man, indeed. Sticky, but rich.

When Bravo launches “Million Dollar Listing: New York”, a familiar face will likely be part of the show. The name of New York-based Swedish real estate broker Fredrik Eklund may not ring a bell with you, but you might know his work as gay porn star Tag Erikkson. His casting on the show was cemented once he helped broker a NYC penthouse sale for over $17 million. Between the high-profile deal and his porn past, Bravo smelled a hit.

I got a whiff of something else when I was e-mailed a nude photo of the delicious Trace Lehnhoff, formerly on Bravo’s “Flipping Out” (Jeff fired Trace for allegedly designing closets for customers on the side). While this isn’t the first time we’ve featured Trace’s physical assets on our website, this will mark the debut of his appendage – which is mighty impressive. Lehnhoff told some friends that things are not exactly as they appear in this photo. Frankly, I think he should keep his mouth shut. You’ll be inclined to do the exact opposite after going to BillyMasters.com

Apropos of the Golden Globes, our “Ask Billy” question comes from Gordon in Dallas: “Everyone is talking about Michael Fassbender’s penis in ‘Shame’. Have you seen it? Is it as big as George Clooney said?”

Well, I don’t know if he could golf with it. Maybe croquet. Something where you swing the mallet directly betwixt your legs. Yes, that would surely be Fassbender’s game. Of course I’ve seen “Shame” – I’m a SAG voter, after all. So, yes, I’ve seen his penis. But I’d seen it before in “Hunger”. And it’s quite….well, the word that comes to mind is pendulous. Look it up. Of course, you can check it out for yourself on BillyMasters.com

When I’m comparing a penis to a croquet mallet, it’s definitely time for me to end yet another column. Amazing. Even in these days of proposed Internet crackdowns, one site always delivers – BillyMasters.com. If you’ve got a question that simply needs my attention, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Corey wakes up…in a shower! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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