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hollywood smWhen I eventually looked in the mirror I just thought I looked like my gay brother.” – Anne Hathaway tells how she felt after seeing her new haircut for “Les Misérables”.  It’s good to know she has such a cute brother!

hollywood strip“When I eventually looked in the mirror I just thought I looked like my gay brother.” – Anne Hathaway tells how she felt after seeing her new haircut for “Les Misérables”.  It’s good to know she has such a cute brother!

Last week I was in New York City, and the timing was perfect.  There’s a chill in the air, decorations are everywhere, and people are, generally speaking, in a good mood.  But even my jolly mood was tested by some of the plays I went to see.  The revival of “The Heiress” sports a sumptuous physical production and a great supporting cast (particularly the riveting Judith Ivey, who never disappoints).  But imagine, if you will, the lead being played by a high school drama student – and not even the best actress in the school.  That would prepare you for Jessica Chastain’s performance.  What’s perplexing is that on paper, it seemed the perfect role for the winsome film actress, who is Juilliard-trained and well-versed in classical theatre.  Inexplicably, her entire portrayal came off completely false and one-note.  This led to an unintentionally funny moment towards the end of the play, when her suitor says, “You’ve really changed.”  That got a laugh – at least from me – because for the better part of two hours, she’d had that same blank expression on her face and spouted lines with the same monotone delivery. 

The next night, it was off to the opening of Theresa Rebeck’s new play, “Dead Accounts”.  I must confess I went into this with some trepidation.  After all, one doesn’t expect much out of that thespian, Katie Holmes – although, after Jessica Chastain, the bar was set quite low.  Perhaps that is why Holmes’ performance is oddly satisfying.  She clearly aspires to be the latest ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise to transform herself into a serious actress.  Alas, she ends up somewhere between Nicole Kidman and poor Mimi Rogers.  What Katie has going for her is that she wants it SO badly, you almost root for her.  She is certainly not completely devoid of talent.  She has some presence.  She has some vocal range.  That alone puts her head and shoulders above Miss Chastain.  The play itself has interesting ideas that are never fleshed out or go anywhere.  Rebeck writes good dialogue, but doesn’t know how to tell a story.  The real reason to go is for Norbert Leo Butz, who gives a riveting (if somewhat maniacal) performance that will surely not be forgotten at the Tony’s. The rest of the play, however, will likely be a distant memory by then.

For years, Greg Louganis has been trying to get cast on “Dancing with the Stars”.  And for some reason, one of the most notable athletes in American history has been snubbed.  But fear not – all of Greg’s efforts with ABC may yield unexpected fruits…as it were.  The network has announced that Louganis will be a part of “Celebrity Splash”, a new competition show based on a hit in the Netherlands, which finds celebrities attempting Olympic-style diving.  Louganis will be a judge and help coach some of the contestants.  Who will join him on the judging dais?  Well, these shows usually like a quick-witted gay-ish personality with a background in the event.  Have I mentioned lately that I earned my letter in springboard diving…prior to my stand-up career?  I’m just sayin’…

Hold onto your hats (or whatever else you can get your hands on) – it’s time for Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions.  Yes, each week until Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, I will share some unique ways to make the spirits bright and, of course, gay.  My first choice is a DVD from my dear friend Dirk Shafer – a former “Playgirl” centerfold and “Man of the Year” (both in the magazine and mockumentary) and talented auteur behind the flick “Circuit”.  Since many of us want to look like Dirk, he’s sharing his secrets in “SWAPOUTWORKOUT with Dirk Shafer”.  This DVD includes ways to work out virtually anywhere and focuses on core strengthening, Pilates, circuit and weight training.  Since he’s maintained (and improved) his physique since his 1992 “Playgirl” shoot, he must be doing something right.  To order the DVD, go to SwapOutWorkOut.com.  To see him naked, pick up the latest issue of “Playgirl” where he’s returned as a centerfold some 20 years later.  Or simply go to BillyMasters.com.

I bet many people on your list would like to have sex with a celebrity, right?  Well, have we got the gift for you – a Justin Bieber sex doll!  Now, to be accurate, it’s not called that. To find it, you must look for the “Just-In Beaver Love Doll”, with the subtitle “I’m NOT GAY (ok maybe a lil’)”. Well, that should keep the lawyers away. The doll, which has numerous points of entry, is made of some special puncture-proof plastic – like they use on blimps!  And it’s dishwasher safe, which I think is a must in our busy world.  Best of all, it’s only $26. But, wait, there’s more – for you ladies out there, the same company makes a female doll called the “Finally Miley Love Doll”.  That variety touts “3 Achey Love Holes”.  And I believe it’s toothless.

We recently received two “Ask Billy” questions about a hit HBO series.  Larry in Washington DC asks, “Did you see Bobby Cannavale’s nude scene on ‘Boardwalk Empire’?  Was that really his dick?  WOW!”  And Karl in New York City wrote, “Was Billy Magnusson really nude during his sex scene last night?  It was really hard to tell.”

Little Billy Magnusson’s sex scene primarily showed his delectable derrière.  But our techs were able to reveal a quick glimpse of his nether regions.  However, since it’s after post-coital, don’t expect much.  Bobby Cannavale is a different matter entirely.  His nudity occurs while having sex ….and while using restraints.  I think this is a perfect example of coitus interruptus…with the addition of blood.  As he walks down the hallway, his penis has not completely deflated, exhibiting a good amount of “swing”.  You can see for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

When you can look like a Playgirl centerfold for the price of a DVD, it’s time for me to order one and end yet another column.  Maybe after the holidays, I could work out with Dirk in a series of web videos to see what results he can get out of me.  On the other hand, that sounds terribly exhausting.  While I weigh the pros and cons, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that always leaves you breathless.  Feel free to send any questions along to Billy@BillyMasters.com“>Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Katie Holmes wins a Tony!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

 

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