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Hollywood Inside and Out

“Dude…No underwear and pierced…F–k me…You never showed me that s–t.”  – Steven Tyler texts his love/envy/astonishment at Lenny Kravitz’s exposed private parts.  You can see every inch of Kravitz (which we believe is not pierced but sporting a c-ring) on BillyMasters.com.

This week we have a plethora of penii.  I almost called them a gaggle – but I know better than to underestimate my fans’ gag reflex!  While that surely whets your appetite, we’re going to start in a different direction.

I have no explanation why some of our favorite celebrities have recently announced they are separating, divorcing, hooking up, or getting married.  It must be the heat.  First is Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert.  A quick perusal of this week’s tabloid covers will tell you that she cheated on him with oodles of men, or that he’s been stepping out on her.  So who really knows.  What seems clear is Blake initiated the split – to the point that when they were both HI-3033_Kateaway from home, he had his assistant pack up all of Miranda’s belongings and leave them on the porch.  Now, I normally don’t go for those gay rumors, but these actions really seem to be the definition of a “hissy fit” – typically thrown by a “b-tchy queen”.  I calls ’em like I sees ’em.

Perhaps the most troubling story is the one about Tom Cruise’s love for his PA.  I don’t know what it is about this story.  That one of them works for the other?  That Tom’s roughly twice as old as the PA?  I just can’t put my finger on it.  Oh, yes, now I remember – it’s that the PA is a woman!  I bet she won’t be able to put her finger on it, either!

Kate Pierson from The B-52’s recently got married to her longtime girlfriend, Monica Coleman.  And last month, Olympic speed skater Blake Skjellerup (who has posed nude, which we’ll post on our website) got married to his beau Saul Carrasco.  Why are we grouping them together?  Because both of these unions happened in Hawaii.  Ho’omaika’i ‘ana.

A.R. Gurney’s “Sylvia” is a play about a man who is in a love triangle with his wife and his HI-3033_Blakedog…yes, Sylvia is the dog.  The play was a hit off-Broadway two decades ago.  Finally, the show will be making its Broadway debut, and will star Matthew Broderick as the aforementioned man.  This is not in itself a column-worthy item, except when you realize that the original off-Broadway production starred Sarah Jessica Parker as the dog.  There’s a joke in there somewhere…maybe I’ll think of one by the time I get to the last paragraph.  Perhaps Broderick and Parker will perform a scene from the play when they do their first joint concert at Town Hall in Provincetown on August 17th.  You can still get tix at PtownArtHouse.com.

Benedict Cumberbatch is getting rave reviews for his turn as “Hamlet” in London’s West End.  There’s only one problem – the show hasn’t opened yet!  In a flagrant disregard for protocol, to say nothing of common decency, two of London’s leading papers surreptitiously sent critics to see the very first preview and review it.  So, these reviews are based on the actors’ first run-through in front of a live audience.  Yes, it’s lovely that they were raves.  But who do you people think you are?  Me?  Cumberbatch personally met with fans after a performance asking that they NOT film portions of the performance.  “I can’t give you what I want to give you, which is a live performance that hopefully you will remember in your minds and brains – whether it’s good, bad or indifferent – rather than on your phones.  So please don’t.”  To get the message out, he’s asked people to “Tweet, blog, hashtag the s–t out of this one for me.”  He added that the theatre staff would “detect and evict” people illegally filming.

This leads perfectly into our “Ask Billy” question.  Henry in Hollywood writes, “After reading your great review of ‘Bent’ [at Los Angeles’ Mark Taper Forum] and seeing your uncut footage of Jake Shears, I quickly snapped up a ticket.  I loved it.  But you didn’t mention that gorgeous naked guy at the beginning of the show.  WOW – what a stud.  And what a beautiful d–k.  I can’t believe you didn’t get that for your website.”

HI-3033_TomYou and me both.  Most certainly, Tom Berklund is a fine actor.  But that is somewhat eclipsed by his amazing body and enormous penis – and a semi-hard penis at that.  Alas, not even I had the hubris to try and capture it for posterity.  That would be like biting the penis that feeds me (would that that were true).  I was fairly sure that Mr. Berklund’s penis would be one of those things you see once in your life and then wonder if it was real – like Bigfoot, or a hit movie starring the Olsen twins.  And then, POOF, his penis popped up in my inbox.  No, that is not a euphemism.  It was sent to me by an enthusiastic and industrious fan who was giving me the exclusive.  I haven’t gotten this excited about a stage penis since Steven Weber virtually poked my eye out with his.  This one is every inch as impressive – no Visine required.  So, along with every inch of Shears’ performance, you must check this video out as well on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re featuring a bent penis, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Well, it’s not actually bent – but it does curve slightly downward.  You can see all that and more on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that has nothing to hide.  Since I’ll be in Provincetown this week, I’m sure I’ll see more than my share of penises.  But that won’t distract me from answering your questions.  So just send an e-mail to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Matthew Broderick takes Sarah Jessica Parker out for a walk!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.