My boyfriend and I are, ahm, “weight-challenged.” We didn’t used to be that way, but we got older, stopped going to the gym and next thing we knew, we started smelling like bacon when it got past 90 degrees. Skip the motivational speeches about getting shape—we’re trying. My question is, until we “try” ourselves into size 38 pants, how do we have better sex, given our amplitude? It’s getting harder and harder for our genitals to touch even doggie-style because our stomachs and legs are getting in the way. Any tips?
— Sitting around the House
You bring up a good point—fat people have sex too. Just not with me.
Oh, skip the protest letters, guys. I don’t care how politically incorrect it is to say, no one wants to have sex with guys who can sell shade.
There are three things I advise my tubby readers:
- Duck! Because I’m going to hurl the best of my rock collection at your windows.
- Invest in dildos. It might be the only way you can plug the beast if you can’t lose the weight.
- Learn the “scissors position.” Lie facing each other on your sides. Cross your legs over each other’s like scissors, interlocking your bodies. Even with the weight of large legs and stomachs, experts agree this is the best position for lard-a– sex.
Look, if you’re going into restaurants and they hand you an estimate instead of a menu, you’ve got some serious issues to deal with. Lose the weight. Not for vanity; for sanity. The more overweight you are, the more likely you’ll suffer from some type of sexual dysfunction. You said no lectures, but come on. If you can’t reach your boyfriend’s banana because your stomach’s in the way, I say reach for the phone and call your doctor. You need help.
My boyfriend and I have rock-‘em, sock-‘em sex, man. I’m like a walking lightbulb around him—just waiting to be screwed so I can light up the room. Here’s the problem. As soon as the sex is over, so’s his attention. I like to cuddle and he doesn’t. How can I get him to cuddle more?
— Wanting more
How do you get the stud puppet to pay more attention to you after sex? The same way you get a gay man to pay attention to anything—make sure lots of mirrors are involved.
That, and talk to him. The most important thing is to ask, not to demand.
The challenge in telling him is not to make him feel bad or defensive. Talk to him when you’re not in bed, when you’re sharing a glass of wine and you’re both mellowed out.
Take his hand and put it on your chest so he feels the heat of your heart and get into a conversation about sex and how wonderful it is with him.
Tell him you love to be held in the warm afterglow of his embrace and that it’s really important to you that it be a big part of your sex life. If you say it with warmth and sincerity it’d be really hard for him to say no.
Unless he’s my ex-boyfriend. Then, he’d probably point to his empty ring finger and say “You want some more milk? Then buy the f–king cow.”