A decades-old idea called “The Bird Theory” is gaining traction again, and queer couples are weighing in on whether it really works. The concept originates from psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who discovered that how partners respond to small, everyday “bids for connection” such as pointing out a bird outside the window can reveal a great deal about a relationship’s long-term health. As therapist Will Dempsey explains, “The idea is when one partner shares a mundane or small moments…the way in which the other partner responds can reflect the overall health of the relationship.”
For queer people, these moments may carry even more emotional weight, on which Dempsey adds, “Queer couples often navigate additional societal pressures, so small moments of attention and validation can carry extra emotional weight.” Therapist Ciara Bogdanovic says queer partners “are more likely to have experienced a lot of invalidation…so attunement with their partner can be even more meaningful.” But passing or failing the test isn’t the point. Instead, patterns matter. One distracted moment is normal; repeated disconnects may signal deeper issues. However, before assuming trouble, experts suggest communicating needs. As Bogdanovic puts it, “Focus on the connection you’re seeking, not on blaming them for getting it wrong.”
