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Need Wood: Not That It’s Any of My Business

Hey Woody!

Is it true that tea is bad for your libido? Say it isn’t so!

—  Tea for Two.  Or more

Dear Tea:

Some researchers suspect that the estrogen levels found in tea are as high as the levels found in George Michael’s dressing room.  Meaning, you won’t be able to get it up unless you’re in a sk-nky public toilet waving your d–k at an undercover cop.

Researchers suspect, though they have no real evidence, that tea’s estrogen levels may be high enough to disrupt male hormones temporarily, causing a loss of libido.

The key words here are “suspect” and “temporary.” No one knows for sure. But if you’ve got a hot date planned I’d stay away from it.

Hey Woody!

This is going to sound like a weird question for a gay sex advice column but I need advice on how to talk about “the birds and the bees” to my kids. My lover and I are at a loss as to how to bring the subject up and what’s appropriate to say.

— Gay Dads

Dear Dads:

You’re looking for something *appropriate* to say to your kids and you came to ME?  Man, that kind of optimism should be framed.

All right, here’s The Birds & The Bees, Woody-style:  A man sticks his erect penis in a vagina and that’s where babies come from. A man sticks his erect penis in a woman’s mouth and that’s where jewelry comes from. A man sticks his erect penis in another man’s mouth and that’s where heaven comes from.

Just in case you wanted something more serious, I asked my grumpy advisors what they thought.  Here’s what they recommended telling your kids:

Talk to them early. Age 10 or 11 is too late.

Talk to them often. Like sex itself, once is not enough.

Take advantage of “teachable moments”—running into a pregnant neighbor, seeing a TV program, etc.—that can be springboard into a discussion.

Tell them to run. When they turn 18 and they see me coming, it’s the only advisable thing to do.

Also, use resources like Planned Parenthood’s Talking About Sex kit, which includes a videotape and booklets: www.plannedparenthood.org/parents/talking-to-kids-about-sex-and-sexuality

Hey Woody!

Hotspots is a respectable publication. Your column however, seems to drag the whole thing down.  There are plenty of guys who do not have these bizarre, deranged sexual “problems.” My boyfriend and I are the perfect example of this.

All I’m saying is, please gain even the slightest bit of morals. It would give the publication that employs you, as well as the community, a bit more respectability.

— Sick of you

Dear Sick:

Gosh, if we could all just have what you have–a problem-free, hat-in-the-air Doris Day marriage– this world would be a better place.

What s–t.

You have the “perfect example” of a problem-free relationship?  My bet is that you stalked your boyfriend, he panicked, gave in, and now he’s chained somewhere in the basement.  That’s what guys like you usually mean by having the “perfect” relationship.

No one is forcing you to read my column. If I see something on the menu I don’t like, I don’t order it.   I don’t complain to the waiter that he shouldn’t have it available for other people. In a world full of choice why is it that idiots like you refuse to make one?

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