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Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk

Hey, Woody!

I have a strange problem. Sometimes when I cum, I cry. I’m not sad, but the tears come anyway. It doesn’t happen all the time but I’ve run off a few promising dates because they thought I had “issues.” It’s not like I blubber or anything, but it’s noticeable. The thing is, it’ll happen even with a trick I don’t ever want to see again. What can I do to stop this?

—Reaching for the c*m towel AND the Kleenex

Dear Reaching:

You’re breaking my mom’s first rule: Don’t cry over spilled milk. Though I don’t think she had you in mind when she said it.

There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, I think it’s rather sweet. In addition to a physical release during climax, there’s also an emotional release. There are men, for instance who convulse with laughter after they c*m. Nothing strikes them funny; it’s just the way their mind-body connection reacts to the release.

Like my boyfriend’s moods, sexual response is multiphasic. Energy builds from excitement (the first stirrings) to resolution (the last dribble). By the time you’re ready to “pop,” all that built-up energy gets released in different ways.  For you, it’s crying. For others, it is laughing. For my boyfriend, a compulsive need to brush his hair. Crying may be your body’s way of saying “Thanks, I needed that.” Be grateful. That kind of emotional juice doesn’t come often.

As for scaring off partners, just treat it lightly. If they think you’re crying because you’re falling for them, just say “Don’t flatter yourself, I cry when I beat off.”


Hey, Woody!

I’ve got a pet peeve I thought you might want to tackle. It’s deep-throating!  It seems the majority of gay men have somewhat learned this technique but not as a continuing part of a stroke. Instead, they take the penis down their throat, and then STOP! They hold it down as long as they can hold their breath, and only then continue the motion that brings pleasure to the recipient. I wish men would consider what a good sexual technique is and what a parlor trick is. When men masturbate, do they simply grab their penis with both hands motionless? NO! They move their hands up and down continuously. It’s the motion that brings pleasure, not just the contact. Tell them to stop slowing the momentum down, Woody!

— Got something caught in their throat

Dear Got:

You’re complaining about guys who deep-throat? You probably came out of the womb complaining about the back-lighting.

Here’s advice #1: Never complain when somebody can deep-throat you. Complain when they can’t.

Advice #2:  When somebody’s doing something you don’t like, don’t bitch. Request. As in: “Wow, that feels great, but it feels better when you don’t stop the motion.” Grab his ears and gently show him how to swallow the sword without nicking his throat or stopping the mo’.

Your partners aren’t the problem, guy. You are. You seem to think that your partners should know what you like before you tell them. Here’s a hint: You can’t move a man’s mouth down your shaft through telekinesis.  Why are you so unwilling to tell your partners what you like?


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