About 3 months ago I met a guy on Scruff. We hooked up and it was amazing. Great sex and we ended up talking for hours after. Since then we’ve been meeting up a lot. At first it was just sex, but as it progressed, I found myself more and more into him. He said he felt the same. About a month into it, he revealed that he had a long term boyfriend. They have been together for 8 years and he says they’re great friends, but the spark has gone out of the relationship. He says they haven’t had sex in almost a year. They opened their relationship a few years ago but operate on the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ method.
Dear Mark,
About 3 months ago I met a guy on Scruff. We hooked up and it was amazing. Great sex and we ended up talking for hours after. Since then we’ve been meeting up a lot. At first it was just sex, but as it progressed, I found myself more and more into him. He said he felt the same. About a month into it, he revealed that he had a long term boyfriend. They have been together for 8 years and he says they’re great friends, but the spark has gone out of the relationship. He says they haven’t had sex in almost a year. They opened their relationship a few years ago but operate on the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ method.
His arrangement with his boyfriend was that they only hooked up with guys one time. But, of course, this hasn’t happened. He and I have even gone on a few ‘dates’. He says he’s falling for me, but can’t imagine leaving his partner. He’s asked me to give him time so he can figure out a way to break it to him easy.
I’m torn. I really see potential with this guy. He’s everything I’ve been looking for in a man and I’m afraid if I let him go, I’ll never find the relationship I’m looking for. But I do feel guilty about his boyfriend. I don’t want to be a home wrecker.
Signed,
Matt, Fort Lauderdale
Dear Matt,
You wrote about two very powerful emotions in your letter. . .fear and guilt. Your situation seems rife with them. As much as you like this guy, it seems like he has some housekeeping to do in his own life before anything real can begin with you. Under the heading “if you love someone, let them go,” you may need to take a backseat in this situation until he can honestly begin something with you. I would recommend you talk with him about what he really wants. Is he really ready to end an eight year relationship? And, if he is, is he ready to begin something right away with you?
He has a history with this man. A history you don’t know about and one that you are not a part of. I would urge him to have an honest conversation with his partner about what is really going on. I know this is easier said than done. But, trust me, a relationship shouldn’t begin with lies and dishonestly. If you have any hope for your relationship with him to be any different, you have to start if out on the right foot. He needs to be honest with the partner he has now. You need to step back and let that situation unfold before you start expecting a different dynamic. One of the most important things we have in this world is our integrity. Stuff happens. . . relationships end. . .affairs occur. . .feelings change. Your path through it all is to hold on to what you know in your heart is right for you. I hope this helps some. I wish you the best of luck.
Sincerely, Mark Rutherford LCSW
