I heard you on the radio a few weeks ago and I roared at the sex quiz you were reading out loud. I want to take it and see how I do! The quiz, I mean. Not you.
I heard you on the radio a few weeks ago and I roared at the sex quiz you were reading out loud. I want to take it and see how I do! The quiz, I mean. Not you. No offense, but you’re not my type. I like guys who have all their teeth.
— Oral Examiner
Hey, what’s with the gratuitous insult, ya piece of chewed-up club trash? That’s my job, not yours. The quiz you heard was meant to answer the eternal gay question: “Am I a pig?” So knock yourself out—assess your Inner Swine with my pan-fried quiz.
1. What’s the average erect penis size?
a. 6.2 inches
b. 5.1 inches
c. I wouldn’t know. I don’t sleep with guys who have average-sized d!*ks!.
2. How many alcoholic drinks can you have before it affects sexual performance?
c. 100 (as long as mirrors are involved)
3. There is only one kind of man:
a. The kind who cheats
b. The kind who gets caught cheating
c. The kind who gets caught cheating and yells, “Who are you going to believe—me or your lying eyes?!”
4. If you’re HIV-Positive, should you disclose your HIV Status?
a. Yes. I don’t have the right to decide for my partner what’s acceptable risk.
b. No. If they don’t ask I assume they don’t care.
c. How hot is he?
5. Monogamy is another word for:
6. The three magic words you’re dying to ask in bed:
a. “Do you love me?”
b. “Do you find me attractive?”
c. “Mastercard or Visa?”
7. You shouldn’t use Vaseline on latex condoms because:
a. It’s not as slick as water-based lubes
b. The oil will rip the latex
c. It’s like broadcasting that you’re at least 60 years old.
8. According to condom manufacturers, how many men need extra-large condoms?
c. Just me.
9. What causes hemorrhoids?
a. Straining in the bathroom
b. Anal sex
c. Lack of anal sex
10. Men can get yeast infections by what kind of trauma?
a. The kind where the ugly one in the three way keeps getting in the way
b. Minor injuries to the foreskin
c. Excessive masturbation
11. Does pre-cum have enough sperm to impregnate a woman?
c. Who cares?
12. “Retarded” ejaculations mean:
a. It takes you forever to “burp the baby.”
b. You make stupid faces just when you’re about to orgasm.
c. You can only ejaculate when you’re with someone who’s mentally ill.
13. Properly measuring your penis means:
a. Having Brad Pitt hold the ruler
b. Rounding to the nearest half-foot.
c. Measuring from the side of the penis facing your stomach.
14. Your penis stops growing when:
a. You see the Playboy centerfold.
b. Your partner takes his mouth off it
c. You pass your early 20’s.