Hey Woody!
I’ve always been the raging top and my boyfriend the insatiable bottom. But lately he’s been bugging me to reverse our banging sessions. He wants to bury the bone for a change and I don’t blame him. But here’s the thing. I like my guys a little on the nelly side (I have this dominance thing, what can I say?). It’s not like a purse drops out of my boyfriend’s mouth when he talks but he’s not exactly butch.
The thing is I don’t want to be f–ked by someone who isn’t completely masculine. The idea of getting topped by a bottom shuts me down completely. How do I get over this? I know I’m not being fair to my boyfriend.
—Topped out
Dear Topped:
Be honest. Sit him down, hold his hand, look him in the eye and say, *“You’re not butch enough to f–k me, dear.”*
Next Question.
Seriously, you’re buying into all the ugly stereotypes of getting penetrated. You’re not alone; most people do, and the reason stretches back thousands of years.
As much as man-on-man sex was accepted in ancient Greece and Rome there were strict rules about anal sex. Namely, that boys, not men, received it.
And when they did, it was something to be endured, not enjoyed. Getting f–ked was a rite of passage. Once you became an adult, you were supposed to switch roles and become the penetrator. The Romans even had a word for it: *vir,* a man who could shtup, but not be shtupped.
But it’s hard to play the nail for years and suddenly become a hammer. Exclusively, anyway. Many boys, upon becoming men, wanted to keep getting nailed. And they were—to the cross, if society found out.
In ancient societies, nothing could be worse than acting like a woman. And nothing made you more like a woman than doing what women do in bed—receiving an erect penis between your legs.
So while Greeks and Romans celebrated man-on-man sex (or more accurately, man-on-boy sex), they only celebrated it if you were a “top.” There was only scorn and social ostracism for “bottoms.”
We still live out these ancient and patently false ideas of sex. When was the last time you heard something derogatory about being a “top?”
But you always hear disparaging things about being a “bottom” (*“Oh, there’s nothing in this town but bottoms,” “He’s nothing but a big bottom).”*
You don’t believe you can get f–ked and be the man society expects you to be? Talk to my friend who loves to get f–ked; it’s really all he does in bed. Know what he does for a living? He’s a professional boxer. Go ahead, dismiss him as “just another bottom,” and see how easily your facial features can be re-arranged.
So call me a freak, I don’t believe that “bottoms” are sissies and that getting f–ked by someone less masculine makes you less masculine.
Unless they’re dating me, I never advise people to perform sexual acts against their will. But at the same time, it strikes me as unfair that you’re not willing to do for your boyfriend what he’s doing for you.
You’ve got two competing values here: You’re right not to do anything you feel uncomfortable doing and your obligation to keep your partner sexually satisfied.
You can do both. Here’s how: Your current interpretation is that you’re going to be topped by a bottom. A better one might be, “I have the opportunity to know the man I love in an entirely new way.”
Ask yourself what needs to happen to make it acceptable. Like, tell your boyfriend you have a fantasy about a leather-clad cowboy dominating you. In other words, butch him up without hurting his feelings. Now, go get f—ked—you big nelly bottom.
