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Need Wood: Lati-No-You-Didn’t


Hey, Woody!

Stop printing bigotry!  A few columns ago you offered advice to a guy who was into Latinos.  You said, and I quote, “Bottom Line: If you want more brown, get more white.”  Then you blatantly stated that there is a “social pecking order to desirable mates and whites are at the top of the heap.” 

Your “advice,” and I use that word as loosely as I would describe your morals, only serves to perpetuate the stereotypes that keep racism alive. By advocating a racial hierarchy you perpetuate the inequalities of this society that we as queer people fight against every day.  With so many problems to deal with as a gay man, why do you continue to fall into the same line of thinking as the people who discriminate against you?  You owe all minorities, particularly Latinos a huge apology.

—   Waiting for your sorryness


Dear Waiting:

I agree, an apology is in order.  From your high school principal for passing onto society another idiot who can’t read.

If you *were* able to read, and I bet you can’t without moving your lips, you’d understand that you took my comments out of context, which is the preferred way you “diversity activists” like to operate.  Which reminds me, do you activists believe in “temper diversity?”  You ought to because I for one am sick and tired of hearing nothing but self-righteous anger from you guys.

Never mind that I made a broadside attack against racism and classism in that column.  Never mind that I have always considered black, Asian and Latino men gorgeous, never mind that I’ve encouraged everyone to date and shtuup other guys no matter what their ethnicity.

Never mind any of that.  Because all those ugly facts kill your beautiful theory that I’m perpetuating discrimination.

Here are my complete remarks, you ignoranus*: (NOTE TO EDITOR:  THE WORD IGNORANUS IS NOT MISSPELLED.  THE “N” IS CORRECT).

“There is an ugly truth about sex and dating:  There is a social pecking order to desirable mates and whites are at the top of the heap.  Here’s the mental calculus of our class-conscious culture:  Asian, African-American, Latino, Anglo…This pecking order isn’t pre-ordained; it’s cultural.  Society believes it, encourages it and a lot of us act on it…. If you buy into the idea that some colors are better than others, that some languages are better than others, then social status will influence your dating choices.”

Notice the phrase “If you believe” in that last sentence.  I used it because *I* don’t believe that some colors are better than others.  But you’d have to be a fool not to know that a great many gay men do believe that.  You’d have to be a fool not to see that as f–ked and unfair as it is, society does in fact have a “preferred” dating hierarchy and that many people buy into it.

I don’t.  The only thing I buy into is my editor’s assertion that I’ve got more imbeciles reading my column than anything else he publishes.  Thanks for proving him right.  Now I’m out another ten bucks.

* A person who’s both stupid and an a–hole.


Hey, Woody!

When does your d–k stop growing?  

—  Just Wondering

Dear Just:

Your d–k stops growing in your late teens.

Guys sometimes confuse dick growth with weight loss.  See, the penis is attached to the pelvis through the pubic bone where men tend to store a lot of fat.  The fatter you are the smaller your penis looks because less of it is exposed.  So when you lose weight it looks like your d–k is growing because you can see more of it.

Can your d–k shrink?  Yes, if you go home with a diversity activist with selective reading retention.  It can also shrink if you don’t have sex or masturbate regularly.  Without frequent, ahem, “activity,” the smooth muscle in the penis will start to scar and shrink making your dick look smaller.  “Use it or Lose It” ain’t just a sex addict’s mantra; it’s scientific fact.

Are you a dripper? Be a shooter with Woody’s new book, How To C-m More & Shoot Further http://www.tinyurl.com/woodybook

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