Home Columns Need Wood: If Heaven is for Real Then What About Hell?

Need Wood: If Heaven is for Real Then What About Hell?



Hey, Woody!

Just yesterday The Vatican defrocked its former ambassador to the Dominican Republic for child molestation charges. What’s your view on the still continuing scandals?  And since I know you’re going to be sacrilegious I have one other question:  If I read the things you write that will send you to hell will that send me to hell too?

—   Worried but curious

Dear Worried:

I don’t worry about going down under.  If you knew my editor you’d know that I’m already in hell.

Now, will reading me send you to hell?  It’s like asking if second-hand smoke will send you to the lung cancer ward.

It can’t help.

As far as the scandals, I blame the parents.  Anyone who leaves their child alone in a room with a grown man wearing a dress gets what they deserve.

Kind of reminds of me of the Michael Jackson scandals, may he rest in eternal pain, that pedophile.  All these parents were accusing him of child molestation and I remember thinking, “Let me get this straight, you leave your child with a black man who looks like a white woman, talks like Mickey Mouse and dresses like a cross between an extra from “Thunderdome” and “The Little Mermaid” and you think he’s the only one who should be punished?”

I don’t think so.

I think everyone involved should be prosecuted.  The parents for their stupidity (okay, no jail time, but a little shame couldn’t hurt), the priests for their revolting criminality and the cardinals for being an accessory to the fact.

And speaking of accessories, does anyone else find it odd that grown men wearing red silk gowns, trimmed in gold lace are the ones suggesting that gay men be prevented from being priests?

I think my position on this whole scandal is best summarized by an old joke that shows how fossilized the church is about sex:

In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery’s scriptorium. He was assigned as a scriptor on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.

One day he asked Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium), “Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error?  How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else?  Are they ever checked against the original?”

Father Florian is impressed by the young monk’s logical observation, takes the latest book down to the secured vault and verifies it against the original.

After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest.

They found Father Florian sobbing uncontrollably over the original text.  “What is the problem, Reverend Father?” asked one of the monks.

“Oh, my Lord,” screamed the priest, “the word is *‘celebrate’!”*


Hey, Woody!

I’m curious as to how Viagra came to be.  I mean how do you even begin formulating a drug to help d–ks get hard?

– – Wondering & Slobbering

Dear Wondering:

There is a law in life that affects science as well as sex.  It’s the Law of Unintended Consequences.  In sex it’s easy to see the law in action:  You seduce some hottie and next thing you know, you can’t get him to leave unless you make him breakfast.

Same thing with Viagra.  It was tested as a heart medication to treat angina.   It was supposed to get your heart pumping faster, but like most of the guys you try to score with in bars, the attempt failed miserably.

Sildenafil (the chemical name for Viagra) failed to increase blood flow to the heart but it did a great job increasing it to the penis.

How did the scientists know?  Because none of the subjects wanted to return the medications back.  Moral of the story:  Even failures can get you laid.

Exit mobile version