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Need Wood: Even Lobsters Have Penis Envy!

Hey Woody!

I’m constantly comparing my d–k size to other guys and I always feel like I’m smaller than average.  Intellectually I know I’m at least average size (I’ve asked some of my partners and they’ve all said I’m actually bigger than average) but why does it FEEL like I have a small d–k?  I’m kind of obsessed about it.  In the locker room I check other guys out and they always look bigger than I do.   I’m not a size queen, I just want to feel okay about what I’ve got, but I don’t.  Any words of wisdom?

—   A lobster who feels like a shrimp

Dear Lobster:

Perception is everything.  And perception is often colored by position.  Like the position of your eyes when you look.  Guys always look bigger than you do because you’re looking down at yours and straight on at theirs.  When you look down at something it always looks shorter than if you look straight at it.

If you’re going to go through the process of comparing yourself to other guys at least be fair to yourself.  Look at your d–k from the same angle you look at others.  Use a mirror.

You need to heal this obsession you have about being smaller than other guys.  First, get some facts to fight your fiction.  Measure yourself with a cloth tape.  Compare your pole to the polls:  The average length of a penis is 3.5” when it’s flaccid and 5.1” when it’s hard.  No, that wasn’t a typo.  The average length of a man’s erect penis is 5.1.”

However, the average length of a man’s imagination is seven inches, and that’s the problem.  A while ago Men’s Fitness did a poll of over 5,000 men aged 29-32, asking them to guess the average size of a man’s erect penis.  Fifteen percent said seven inches, four percent said eight inches and two percent said nine inches.

It just goes to show you how clueless men are about size.  And just about any other aspect of sex.  Especially straight men.  Men’s Fitness reported how a sex expert went to a bar and asked men to pinpoint a woman’s clitoris on a diagram.  The ninth guy got it right.  Good thing the expert didn’t ask gay guys to pinpoint a man’s heart.  He’d still be at the bar.

Anyway, make sure you’re measuring correctly.  I hate to dash your hopes on the rocks of reality, but forget about measuring from your balls to the tip of your c-ck.  That’s how tacos get confused with burritos.  The only acceptable standard in sex research is to measure it from the base of the penis facing your stomach when you’re lying down. Odd, how the word “lying” seems so appropriate in discussions about size, eh?

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