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Need Wood: Being Single


Hey woody!

I’ve been in a committed relationship for three years now and I can’t tell you how tired I am of all my single friends complaining that they’re single. “I don’t understand why I’m still single,” they’ll whine. Well, I don’t know either, especially the friends that have everything going for them. So tell me, woody, why are there so many good-looking, bright gay guys with lots to offer that are “single against their will?” I want to know so the next time somebody asks me I’ll have something to say.
—Married and loving it

Dear Married:

Great. Another letter from somebody living in a g@ddamned love story. Thanks for lording it over us. Too bad we don’t know each other. You’d experience the full effect of my life’s philosophy—“If you can’t have a happy home, wreck one.”
There are lots of reasons for being single. The best one, in my book, is because you want to be. But we’re not talking about *those* people. We’re talking about people who don’t like being single and want to put a stop to it.
Anyway, here are the three major reasons single guys give for being single and the real meaning behind them:
1) “I’m too independent.” Translation:  “I’m a selfish prick.”
2) ”I don’t have time for a boyfriend.” Translation:  “I’m downloading so much porn my ISP thinks I’m a priest.”
3) ”I’m not ready to settle down yet.” Translation:  “Nobody’s asked me out in three years.”
So much for why single people think they’re single.  Here’s why woody thinks they’re single:  They’re making wrong choices.
Wrong choice #1:  Staying in. If you want somebody to put out you’ve gotta put something in. Like time.  Go out—bars, functions, volunteering, sports teams, the works.
Wrong choice #2: Doing it alone. The hunt should be done in packs. Get a group of friends that regularly do things. You’ll have more fun when things go right and you’ll have more support when they go wrong.
Wrong choice #3: Believing that the right guy is out there. What a scarcity mentality that is. Listen to me, girlie-men. There are PLENTY of “right” guys out there. The world is filled with kind, decent men who’ll treat you right and you shouldn’t be discouraged just because I’m not one of them.
Wrong choice #4: Believing that guys just aren’t attracted to you. Believe the truth: You’re putting out energy that doesn’t attract guys. Change the energy and your underwear will come off more often.
Being single, even if you don’t want to be, is a choice. In becoming aware that you’ve made that choice (namely, by choosing to believe in things that aren’t true) you have the power to change it. Change your mind and it’ll change your life.

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