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Need Wood: Measuring Up

penis enlarging

Hey woody!

I’m 25, bright and easy on the eyes. I thought I had it going on until I started watching amateur p@rn online. I swear to God, every guy I’ve seen had a beer can c@ck! Now I’m so self-conscious about my d!ck I’m embarrassed to pull my pants down in the locker room or the bedroom. Is there a safe, proven way of enlarging my penis? 


–Pretty, but small


Dear Pretty but Small:

There is only one way to safely enlarge your penis: Lay it on my desk and I’ll whack it with a hammer. You won’t believe how big it’ll get.

Believe me, that’s the *safest* way of making your d!ck bigger. With the exception of the  two percent of guys who have a “micro-phallus,” every reputable medical association recommends against penis enlargement surgery. Do it and you’ll probably end up with crooked, lumpy and deformed shafts, erections that point downward, raw nerves caught in scar tissue and fluid that chronically collects around the testicles.

Sorry, but contrary to the promise of spam in your inbox, there’s no way to “MAKE YOUR D!CK BIGGER THAN A CLUB!!!”  There’s no pill, no pump, no enzyme that’s going to give you “THE MIRACLE OF A 14-INCH HORSE C@CK!!!!  There’s no surgery that’s going to give you “MEATY 10-INCH SCHLONGS!!!!

Yes, I know you’d like to “ADD FOUR TERRIFYING INCHES TO YOUR WANG!!!! But I’m afraid the only way you can do that is to borrow Jake Deckard’s d!ck for the weekend.


Optical illusions make a lot of us think we’ve got small d!cks.  First, video cameras make everything look bigger.  So, while there are certainly large schlongs in professional and amateur p@rn, a lot of those “beer can d!cks” have a light beer label.


Second, almost everybody else’s penis looks bigger because you’re looking straight at theirs but down at yours.  Angles make a difference.  If you want to get a better indication of the size of your own thing, don’t look down; look in the mirror.

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