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Need Wood: Afternoon Delight

Afternoon Delight

Hey Woody, A lesbian friend I adore wants me to be a sperm donor, but she, ahem, wants it donated in the old fashioned way.  Now, I love her and everything, but I’m still going to have a blindfold over my eyes and a clothespin over my nose.  Needless to say, I want it to work the first time—is there a time of the day when my sperm count will be higher, and thus increase the chance for it to “take”?

—I’m what you call a REAL friend

Dear Real:

Sperm work the second shift.  While everyone is winding down and driving home, they’re just getting ready to go to work. Researchers in Italy compared semen samples collected from men at 7 in the morning with those collected from the same group of men in the afternoon (don’t worry, they didn’t give same-day samples—my God, they’d be exhausted. They waited for the pumps to refresh after a few days). The semen collected in the afternoon contained 40 million more spermatozoa than the samples collected in the morning. That’s almost a 30% increase. So, wait till late afternoon/early evening, clamp the clothespin on and knock yourself out.


Hey, Woody!

My new boyfriend wants me to talk trash to him in bed.  I’m pretty good in the sack but I’m too bashful to talk dirty. If I ever made it to the World Heavyweight Sex Championship I’d be promoted as the “Thrilla-in-Vanilla.” How can I loosen my tongue and let the trash flow freely?

—Tongue in chic

Dear Tongue:

Tabasco Talk is a real art. Too little and it’s tasteless, too much and it burns. Like adding the sauce to chili, adding wordplay to foreplay is a great way to spice things up. First rule: Forget the flowery prose.  Your boyfriend doesn’t want to hear he’s got a velvety vulva; he wants to hear he’s got a great ass. If you’re really shy, start by simply narrating what you’re doing. If you go to a baseball game you’re going to talk about who’s pitching, who’s hitting, who’s doing what to whom. Do that in bed. Describe what you’re doing and feeling, and more importantly, what you’re going to do:  “I’m gonna take my X, put it in your Y and make you Z stars.” Remember the royal rule of the restless:  Treat a queen like a whore and a whore like a queen. Meaning, your boyfriend doesn’t want Aunt Bea in bed, he wants Ahnuld to terminate him:  “Hasta la Pinga, baby.”  A great way to jump-start the process is to practice on the phone when you’re out of town. Some people find it easier because there’s no eye contact and there’s only one way to communicate on the phone—verbally. Lastly, don’t forget the Three G’s in bed: Groan, Grunt and Grab. Not many syllables to them, but animal sounds can speak a thousand dirty words.

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