I’m lonely as hell. You’d think having a few hot guys to fool around with would help but in the end I always feel worse than when I started out. All these guys want to do is have sex. Every time I want to make a date it’s always, “Oh, I’m busy that night.” But, they’re never too busy to make a booty call. There’s Michael, the young and hung bi-sexual stud, there’s Matt the underwear model, and Bobby, the bottomless wonder (I swear I’ve never “done” anyone so hard for so long and still he wants more). Woody, these guys are like cocaine. I keep going back because I know it’s there for me when I need to escape reality. It’s a great rush, but when you come down, you’re back where you started and you can’t help but wonder whether you should have reached for the smack in the first place. These guys think I’m good enough to have sex with, but not dateable and it’s really beginning to rip at my self-esteem. Am I doomed to having great sex that leaves me empty in the morning? I’d trade all the hot doable guys for one average dateable one. How do I do it?
— Hot, Horny & Lonely
You’re learning what a French philosopher once said: “One pearl is better than a necklace of potatoes.” The thing is, you’re looking for oysters on a potato farm. My guess is you better get yourself closer to the ocean. More on that later.
First, I love the comparison between drugs and d@#k. Addicted or addickted, it’s just a matter of time before you’re faced with every user’s dilemma —is the momentary pleasure enough to overcome the consequences? Is the night before worth the morning after? Some people give up ecstasy because they can’t handle the morning-after depression. Some people give up cocaine because of the impotence and some people give up this column because of the nausea.
Wait, how did that get in there? F*&king editors.
Anyway, remember this Sexual Commandment and you’ll avoid a lot of pain: *Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.*
I learned that the hard way a few years ago when I was still in love with an ex-boyfriend. He didn’t want to get back together—he just wanted to have sex. I was desperate for anything I could get from him, even if it was just a few hours in his bed.
The pattern was always the same—hot sex at night, cold shoulder the next day. The aching morning-after loneliness was building up dangerously but I kept ignoring it. One day, I was playing tennis. I wandered into an empty court, put my back against the fence and slid all the way to the floor in a burst of tears. When my butt hit the floor the 2×4 hit me over the head: I created this pain by choosing the actions that lead to it. I never slept with him again, though I wanted to. I finally understood that avoiding sex can be as healthy as having it.
Like I once did, you are ignoring your pain and you will pay a heavy price for it. Pain is a signal that something is wrong. Pay attention to it.
You need a sex sabbatical. Go two months without having sex, looking for it or responding to it. One exception: Doing three-ways with my favorite couple: Ben & Jerry’s. Won’t do much for your skin hunger but it’ll do wonders for your state of mind. During this temporary celibacy reflect on your love life, talk to your friends, maybe even a shrink. You are making choices that lead to hurt and loss. Make new choices. Learn to say no to men who make you feel great at night and lousy during the day.
Use your celibacy to plot a new love life. Don’t be a victim of circumstances. If opportunity doesn’t come a-knocking, build a door.