Need Wood: Single and Hating It!
by: Woody Miller
I’ve been in a committed relationship for three years now and I can’t tell you how tired I am of all my single friends complaining that they’re single. Especially the friends that have everything going for them. So tell me, Woody, why are there so many good-looking, bright gay guys with lots to offer that are “single against their will?” I want to know so the next time somebody asks me I’ll have something to say.
— Married and loving it
Great. Another letter from somebody living in a goddamned love story. Thanks for lording it over us. Too bad we don’t know each other. You’d experience the full effect of my life’s philosophy—“If you can’t have a happy home, wreck one.”
There are lots of reasons for being single. The best one, in my book, is because you want to be. But we’re not talking about *those* people. We’re talking about people who don’t like being single and want to put a stop to it.
Here are the five major reasons single guys give for being single and the real meaning behind them:
1) *“I’m too independent.”* Translation: “I’m a selfish prick.”
2) *”I don’t have time for a boyfriend.”* Translation: “I’m downloading so much porn my ISP thinks I’m a priest.”
3) *”I’m not ready to settle down yet.”* Translation: “Nobody’s asked me out in three years.”
4) *”I’m having too much fun dating.”* Translation: “I’m a whore.”
5) *”Other guys just want sex. They’re not interested in an emotional connection.”* Translation: “I’m only attracted to guys who think an emotional connection is something you plug an enthusiastic blow drier into.”
So much for why single people think they’re single. Here’s why Woody thinks they’re single: They’re making wrong choices.
Wrong choice #1: Staying in. If you want somebody to put out, you’ve gotta put something in. Like time. Go out—bars, functions, volunteering, sports teams, the works.
Wrong choice #2: Doing it alone. The hunt should be done in packs. Get a group of friends who regularly do things. You’ll have more fun when things go right and you’ll have more support when they go wrong.
Wrong choice #3: Believing that the right guy is out there. What a scarcity mentality that is. Listen to me, girlie-men. There are PLENTY of “right” guys out there. The world is filled with kind, decent men who’ll treat you right and you shouldn’t be discouraged just because I’m not one of them.
Wrong choice #4: Believing that getting rejected means there’s something wrong with you. That is a rocket-propelled Wrong Bomb. Believe in the truth: In most cases, the other guy “rejected” you because there are issues in his life that you don’t know about that have nothing to do with you. This is a big one because one of the most difficult obstacles to finding The One (or in my case, The Many) is not to internalize rejection so you become fearful of even trying to meet guys.
Wrong choice #5: Believing that guys just aren’t attracted to you. Believe the truth: You’re putting out energy that doesn’t attract guys. Change the energy and your underwear will come off more often.
Being single, even if you don’t want to be, is a choice. Change your mind and it’ll change your life.