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Need Wood: Are Things Supposed to Go…in There?

Hey Woody!

My boyfriend has gotten into catheters so much he can now bury his pinky down his shaft. Am I dating a masochist? Do you think this type of “extreme sex” is dangerous?

— Re-thinking Him

Dear Re-thinking:

You have a boyfriend who gets off by sticking a soft plastic tube into his d–k until it reaches his bladder? What’s there to re-think? He’s a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

And he found one: Me. I’ll never understand freaks like him. I’m all for pushing the flap of your sexual envelope, but not if it means you have to throw the envelope away after you’re done. You can become such an excitement junkie you literally run the risk of killing yourself for an orgasm.

Your boyfriend doesn’t sound masochistic, though. Masochists aim for pain; your boyfriend aims for a sexual high.

You rarely see masochists go so far as to kill themselves, even accidentally. But it’s not that unusual to see “extreme sex” enthusiasts die. Exhibit A: “autoerotic asphyxiation.” This is where you suffocate yourself while masturbating and the race is on to see who gets to the finish line first—your semen or your life.

There’s only one acceptable excuse for death by erotic asphyxiation, and that’s when you give someone head for half an hour, they c-me, turn over and fall asleep without returning the favor. There isn’t a jury in the world that would convict you for throttling him.

Medically, your boyfriend runs a high risk of urinary tract infection if he’s not especially careful of disinfecting everything before he starts—the tube, his hands, the urethral opening (which should be cleansed not just with soap and water but with betadine).

Stretching the urethra, by the way, isn’t a big deal. Within reason, there aren’t serious complications.

He also runs the risk of blood infections (septicemia), urethral injury, skin breakdown, bladder stones, and blood in the urine (hematuria), and bladder cancer. But other than that, he’s fine.

Jesus, whatever happened to a simple bl-wj-b?

Hey Woody!

As I waited for my f–k buddy to show up I accidentally cut my finger. It was a pretty superficial cut but it did bleed. I put a couple of Band-Aids on it and hoped for the best.

When he c-me all over his chest, I got caught up in the moment and swiped the semen off his chest and used it to j-ck off.

After I came I realized I had the cut on my finger and jumped out of bed and washed it off with soap and water. My hands were full of Wet Light, the lube. Would that have helped keep the semen out of the cut? The Band-Aid was fairly secure and I didn’t feel any stinging sensation (which is another question-would I have felt a stinging sensation if cum had gotten into the cut?). Woody, tell me what I want to hear—that I’ll be okay, that I won’t catch HIV. My buddy says he’s negative, but I’m obsessing. What if he’s lying?

— Help Me

Dear Help:

You’re asking a question with no answer. You might as well ask why men are pigs. Who knows?

If your cut was fresh (i.e. still bleeding), the virus could get through the Band-Aid if there was enough c-m to soak through.

The epithelium (the most superficial layer of skin) needs several hours to build an adequate protective layer to keep HIV out of the bloodstream.

Although there is salt in semen, there might not be enough to cause stinging. There’s only one way to tell, according to one of my unindicted medical advisors (they’re a dying breed, you know): Get someone’s c-m on your cut. Funny, how he didn’t want anybody but me trying it out, the bastard.

Oh, and Wet won’t stop the virus. It just means instead of walking into your bloodstream, the virus will roller-blade into it.

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