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NFT

The Widow Jones would try desperately to defend her honor against the recent accusations that she was the whore of the retirement community. Against the slanderous words and judgmental looks, she would try to disprove the metaphorical scarlet letter branded to her chest.

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The Widow Jones would try desperately to defend her honor against the recent accusations that she was the whore of the retirement community. Against the slanderous words and judgmental looks, she would try to disprove the metaphorical scarlet letter branded to her chest.

“I didn’t have sex with him!” she would exclaim. “I just took it up the butt!”

For many years I assumed everyone’s definition of sex was the same as mine, but in recent times I have come to learn that the definition varies widely…and wildly.

Over the past few months I have frequently had this debate with a good friend of mine. While I hold fast to my idea of sex as penetration, his definition is significantly more general. In fact, he insists that if you get naked and touch, you had sex.

“Are you insane!?!” I roared upon first hearing his ludicrous declaration. How could someone in his right mind think that simply touching another naked body constitutes sex?

Well, a recent study from the Kinsey Institute proves there are a lot of people who clearly aren’t in their right mind. According to the study, a whopping 53% of men and 44% of women age 30 to 44 consider “a partner manually stimulating your genitals” sex. I find it hard to believe that someone from my generation thinks a hand job counts, but there it is…in black and white. And who can argue with Kinsey?

In spite of this shocking news, the part of the study that really surprised me was the 65+ age bracket. Apparently senior citizens are almost 40% less likely than any other demographic to consider butt sex “sex”! How could you not love this statistic?

What I would like to see as a follow-up to this data are the personal promiscuity ratings for these participants. Based on my new knowledge that not everyone shares my definition of what sex is and isn’t, I have drawn the conclusion that people must independently delineate the rules based on how it reflects on them personally.

I imagine it’s easy for my friend to cling to an idea that a friendly naked rub down counts as sex because he is not the type to frequently rub on naked people. I, on the other hand, have significantly less conservative mores when it comes to sexual relations, and I suspect it is for this reason that I have a very broad category of activities which I consider “NFT” (Naked Fun Time). By classifying all the other naked activities that don’t involve penetration as NFT, I can still score myself a solid 6 on the promiscuity scale. I have a hunch most people want to fall in the mid-range on this self-evaluation and skewing the definition of sex seems a simple way to feel better about one’s overall score.

But if that’s the case, how do we explain those senior citizens? I am now cursed with the image of Widow Jones bent over a Hoveround. Old man Woods approaches from behind, dressed only in an undershirt and support hose. Just as he pops another Viagra as casually as a Tic-Tac, the widow looks over her shoulder to remind him to aim for the high hole. After all, she is a lady.

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