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Hey Woody,

I loved your piece on how to make your bedroom sexier, but you left out some of the most important things: The Don’ts. Like, don’t leave dirty laundry around. You’d be amazed at how many guys think you won’t see stained underwear on the floor if you light some candles. Just so I can discreetly slip your column under certain doors, can you write up a list of “BEDROOM DON’Ts?”

– Been there, seen that

Hey Woody,

I loved your piece on how to make your bedroom sexier, but you left out some of the most important things: The Don’ts. Like, don’t leave dirty laundry around. You’d be amazed at how many guys think you won’t see stained underwear on the floor if you light some candles. Just so I can discreetly slip your column under certain doors, can you write up a list of “BEDROOM DON’Ts?”

– Been there, seen that

Dear Been There,

Einstein said two things are infinite—the universe and human stupidity. I believe he was watching gay men trying to seduce each other when he said that. So at the risk of insulting Those Who Know, there are certain things you just don’t do in the bedroom if you want his pants to float to the floor.

Pictures

No photos of the family — ESPECIALLY of your father. You don’t want to point to a picture when your partner yells, “WHO’S YOUR DADDY!” It’ll just confuse him.

And please, no pictures of ex-boyfriends. They’re okay for one-night stands but if you actually know the name of the guy you brought home (a good sign you want to date him) then ditch the ex pics.

Pets

I love animals in the bedroom, but not if they have paws. Do you really want your cat coughing up a hairball when you yourself have a mouthful of pubes? Close the door on Fido and Frida.

Clutter

Papers, clips, staplers, pens, dirty laundry, clean laundry, keys, spare change, PLEASE. You want to disarm, not distract. And for you size queens, getting rid of clutter can make your bedroom look bigger. SCHWING!

Bills

I can’t think of anything less romantic than seeing somebody’s bills. They’ll remind you of yours and suddenly you’ll be thinking about opening envelopes instead of zippers.

Hey Woody,

Every time I go to an online cruising site I end up seeing profiles of friends or acquaintances that are supposedly in monogamous relationships. It’s one thing to put a profile online if you’re in an open relationship, but a lot of these guys claim they are monogamous. Aside from the hypocrisy and immorality of it all, the thing that baffles me is how these guys get away with it. Are their boyfriends that stupid?

– Online Onlooker

Dear Onlooker,

Well, they’re either that stupid or the cheating boyfriends are that cunning. I’m a smart guy and I’ve been hoodwinked once or twice by a stud or two. I swear, this one guy, he was such a cheatin’ man, when I kissed him I had to count my teeth.

Today’s technology gives Men Behaving Badly a new way to misbehave. With GrindR and Manhunt’s mobile service, boyfriends can REALLY stray under the radar.

Technology always has a good side/bad side aspect to it. The Good: Single guys don’t have to be chained to their computer to meet guys online. The Bad: Married guys don’t have to be, either.

Check out Woody’s new gay dating library at Gaydatingsuccess.net

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