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Hey Woody,

Do you think there are hidden signs, give-away gestures that can tell you whether you’re going to have sex after a date? And more to the point, if the sex will be any good? I was having drinks with a few friends and we came up with some common thoughts. Like, if you open the car door for your date and he doesn’t reach over to unlock your door it usually means he doesn’t like to give head. Do you think there’s any truth to these kinds of signs?

– On the Clue Quest

Hey Woody,

Do you think there are hidden signs, give-away gestures that can tell you whether you’re going to have sex after a date? And more to the point, if the sex will be any good? I was having drinks with a few friends and we came up with some common thoughts. Like, if you open the car door for your date and he doesn’t reach over to unlock your door it usually means he doesn’t like to give head. Do you think there’s any truth to these kinds of signs?

– On the Clue Quest

Dear Clue Quester,

There’s only one sign I know of that predicts whether you’re going to have sex and whether it’s going to be good or not. If a guy makes it a point to say he doesn’t have sex on the first date, trust me, he’s going to blow you so hard your shoes are going to fly off.

Guys who really don’t intend to have sex on the first date don’t feel the need to announce it. It’s the “She Doth Protest Too Much” principle. Quietly held values and beliefs are much more likely to be applied than loud ones that make you buy earplugs for the sonic booms they create. I’m not sure I believe in the accuracy of your “predictors” but if you’re going to go down that path, here’s a few more like them:

Here’s what it may mean if your date…

Gets in the car without opening the door for you: No foreplay.

Takes too long deciding what to order: Takes forever to ejaculate.

Orders salad dressing on the side: Hand job but no sex.

Gives explicit orders to waiter: Demanding top

Insists on ordering for you: Power bottom

Asks for “The Usual” when ordering drinks: Missionary position only.

Finishes eating before you do: Premature ejaculator

Insists on having some of whatever you ordered: Will hog the covers.

Changes mind after ordering: Won’t call you after the date.

Changes tables: Nymphomaniac

Sends food back: Won’t swallow

Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts: Wants you to talk dirty in bed

Answers cell phone at dinner: Pivot man at the orgy.

Wants to split dessert: Dying to move in with you.

Gets credit card refused: Dying to move in with you.

Hey Woody,

My partner and I are on a low carb diet. We both like oral sex, and I really enjoy the taste of his semen. So much so that I always swallow it. So my question is: Are there a lot of carbs in semen? Will gulping down his load ruin my diet?

– Semen Slut

Dear Semen Slut,

I don’t think there’s any danger of you going from a Chippendale dancer to a Chips-a-hoy dancer. The average amount of semen spurted is between 1-2 teaspoonfuls—about 12 calories a load. About 90 percent of it is water, with the other 10 percent consisting of protein, carbohydrates, lipids (fats), sugars and small amounts of minerals such as zinc and selenium. So no, I don’t think your boyfriend blowing his load in you is going to blow your diet. Btw, only about one percent of semen is actual sperm. That’s why straight guys who get a vasectomy don’t see any difference in the volume of their ejaculate. Go ahead and siphon the python.

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