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Hey Woody,

I want to try a c*ck ring but I don’t know what to buy or how to put it on. Worse, I’m too shy to ask the clerk at the local adult store for advice. That’s where you come in. Help!

-Fruit Loop

Put a Ring On It

Hey Woody,

I want to try a c*ck ring but I don’t know what to buy or how to put it on. Worse, I’m too shy to ask the clerk at the local adult store for advice. That’s where you come in. Help!

-Fruit Loop

Dear Fruit Loop,

Think of c*ck rings as do-it-yourself Viagra. The blue pill does it by opening up blood vessels to let blood in; the black ring does it by restricting the blood flowing out. So how do they work? When you get hard, your heart pumps blood to your penis through arteries. After ejaculating the blood doesn’t leave through the arteries; it leaves through the veins. C*ck rings squeeze these veins, restricting the blood flowing out, helping to make your penis harder, longer, faster. Because veins are much closer to the surface of the skin than arteries, c*ck-rings don’t affect the “entrance ramp” to the hard-on highway, but they’re pretty good at creating roadblocks to the exit ramps. Look for:

Size: Yes, it matters. You want it snug without cutting off circulation. Heed my words or your next letter to me will be how to reverse the tissue damage you caused.

Measuring up: Take a string and slip it behind your balls. Bring it up and around your flaccid penis. Make sure it’s snug. Mark the string on both sides where it comes together. This gives you “package circumference.”

Puttin’ it on. Put your nuts into the ring, one testicle at a time. Once you slip the second testicle through, push your flaccid penis into the ring. Then let the games begin.

Style. Stick to rings made of materials that’ll stretch–like silicone. Solid rubber and metal cock-rings are for experienced veterans only. They don’t stretch or adjust, potentially causing that circulation cut-off we want to avoid. If you’re too stupid to follow my directions and get your erection stuck in a metal ring, drown it with lube to loosen it out.

Cut the fur. You may want to manscape around the scrotum and penis. Catching hair in the ring or snaps is like catching a falling knife—there’ll be lots of screaming.

Timing. Don’t ever wear it for more than 20 minutes. When you first start, limit yourself to ten. Again, that damn circulation thing.

Hey Woody,

Nightlife is in this city sucks. Why has nobody ever thought about male mud wrestling or oil wrestling? I know of a certain club that did it years ago to great success but the owners squandered all the money on drugs and the place shut down. I can’t help but think other gay guys would love to see some muddy or oily man on man action. Don’t you think it would make some club owner rich and more importantly, the city’s nightlife more exciting?

?–Down for the count

Dear Down,

My rule is to publish questions that I can answer, not statements to react to. But I’m making an exception in your case because A) reading your suggestion tented my jeans and B) I’m hoping my readers will rip out this page and send it to every bar owner they know. I can tell you this: I’d be there in a heartbeat. And I’d ask the wrestlers the same question every night: “Is this a private fight or can anyone get in it?”

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