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Hey Woody!

My partner of four years has started suggesting threesomes.  I’m acting shocked because we’re monogamous but I must admit; I’ve had fantasies (including foursomes and fivesomes).  We talked about the rules.  He says no kissing, he only tops, and I can be a total slut while he enjoys watching.  He wants ME to find…

 

 

 

Ménage a trios? Quatre, canq…?

By Woody Miller

Hey Woody,

need woodMy partner of four years has started suggesting threesomes.  I’m acting shocked because we’re monogamous but I must admit; I’ve had fantasies (including foursomes and fivesomes).  We talked about the rules.  He says no kissing, he only tops, and I can be a total slut while he enjoys watching.  He wants ME to find the right “man toy” and suggested someone married or for hire, so there’s no risk of attachments, and only once every 3 months.  But I’m scared of being left out while they vent their animal lust – on my bed!  My boyfriend is 16 years younger, so that could wreck me emotionally.  Is our relationship doomed? Or, is the fun just starting?  Where and how do I find men for threesomes anyway?  Help! I’m very confused yet getting very horny.

 —  Panting & Pouting

Dear Panting,

Before I dispense with the advice, do a math problem. *Without using a calculator*.  So, you’re driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.  In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.  In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.  Now, what was the name of the bus driver?

Answer:  Think hard.

 Answer:  You, you idiot!

 My point, and I do have one, is that in the race to get people on and off your bed you forgot the most important person—You, you idiot!  Your letter was filled with your boyfriend’s wish list but not a peep about yours.   The only way threesomes work is if both partners have an equal say about the rules.  I don’t hear “equal” in your letter.  I hear steamroller, which explains why you’re laying flat on the pavement.

 So you need to go back to your bossy boyfriend with a list of YOUR requirements, compare them to his, and see if you can work things out.  And while you’re at it, ask him why he made you the bus driver when it was his idea to wheel around town looking for another pair of testicles to swing over his bed.  There’s a huge power imbalance going on in your relationship and you need to straighten that out before you start playing with fire.

 Assuming you can morph from doormat to power tramp, getting a third guy is going to take some work, depending on how picky you are (and I might add, how picky your prey is).  Unless the radiance of your beauty makes sunglasses a must at the bar, you’re going to have to do some heavy prowling—online and off.  Plus, there’s a bunch of questions you have to answer:  Do you guys have the same taste?  What if he likes the quarry and you don’t?  What if Game-Boy likes your boyfriend and not you?  Who gets veto power and when?   

 I like the idea of starting out by ordering in.  It’s the safest way to explore how to open up your relationship.  Better to cough up some cash now than to spit up your relationship later.

 Hey Woody,

I love your column man.  Like I tell my tricks; keep it up!  I have a complaint though.  You had such good info on bondage sheets a couple of columns ago and then left us hanging on where to get one.  

— Baby wants a beating

 Dear Baby,

Ever heard of Google?  No?  Then start with www.sportsheets.com.  They’re one of the leading manufacturers of fantasy bondage gear.   They pioneered Velcro-based sheets, which allow you to do what Mitt Romney does best—try an endless variety of positions.

 

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