Hey woody!

 I’m an a$$-freak. I love to ‘toss salad’ and get my own lettuce flipped and licked. I want my sphincter in porn-quality shape—the pinkest pink possible. Have you heard of ‘anal bleaching?’ I want to get it done, but where? It’s not the kind of thing salons advertise. Also, is it possible to DIY it?

— Throbbing for love

Dear Throbbing:

You’re sh!t out of luck. There are only two salons I know of that do it—one in Australia and one in Los Angeles called Pink Cheeks (http://www.pinkcheeks.com/analbleach.html), which has a sign hanging on the wall that says, “NO WHINING.” Funny, I have the same sign hanging over my bed.

Here’s how the backdoor beauty regimen works: You clear the area of any hair, then apply bleaching creams with the active ingredients used in photo processing and rubber manufacturing. Ahh, smearing toxic chemicals on my a$$—now there’s a procedure I don’t get nearly enough of. Anyway, you then use the cream each night until you achieve the desired lightness. Professional butt-bleachers claim you’ll see results in one to two weeks.

I’m strongly opposed to anal bleaching. First, who’s going to know? How many people are going to look at your starfish with enough light to tell the difference? Are you expecting guys to say, “You know, there’s something different about you but I can’t put my finger on it?”

Second, and more importantly, medical experts believe the active ingredients in anal bleach creams are toxic. Basically, you’ll be rubbing flammable chemicals on your butt. I’m all for having 5-alarm sex but do you really want flames shooting out of your ass like a rocket on take-off?

If you’re going to pursue a perfect shade of a$$ no matter what I say, then at least look for creams that don’t have Hydroquinone or Mercury.  There’s only one bleaching cream with non-toxic, natural ingredients. And no, I’m not going to tell you what it is because I don’t want you’re a$$ on my hands.

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.