Hey Woody!

To my eternal regret, my roommate discovered the gym. Now that he’s down to a 34 waist, his eyes narrow every time I go near the fridge or crack open a beer. Now he’s on me about working out, promising my sex life would be better. He swears he gets harder and stays up longer now that he’s “in f–king shape.” Is he making this s–t up to get me to the gym, or can you really improve your sex life by getting in shape?

— Say it isn’t so

Dear Say:

Well, I’d love to be able to tell you to go ahead and eat that second helping of pie, but I’d be lying.  Most studies show being overweight drastically increases your chances of developing some form of Erectile Dysfunction.

A while ago the Harvard School of Public Health presented a study showing that men with a waistline measuring 42 inches or more were almost twice as likely to be impotent than men with a 32 inch waist.  Inactive men who didn’t exercise at least 30 minutes a day were also much more likely to suffer sexual problems.

So, sorry guy. Losing weight really will improve your sex life. Why? Because being overweight or inactive isn’t good for blood circulation and that ain’t good for erections.

Look at it this way: Because of your weight, your sex life is probably limited to men who got trapped in your gravitational pull, right? By slimming down you can expand the number of people willing to throw out the welcome mats.
Hey Woody!

So I wake up one day after a night of total debauchery to find myself in an empty bed with a sore a–, dirty condoms and what looked like tread marks on my throat. I freaked! Not about my a– (been there, done that), but my neck! It was practically covered with red, splotchy bruises. Woody, what are they and how do I get rid of them?!

— Necking gone awry 

Dear Necking:

You woke up with a sore a–, a used condom, an empty bed and no recollection of what happened?  Man, you are class with a capital K.

Would you let someone drive your car if the brakes weren’t working? Then why let someone drive you when yours aren’t? You need to wheel yourself in to the nearest brake shop for a realignment.  It’ll only cost about $150 an hour, without health insurance. As for the bruises on your throat…what, did you sleep through high school? They’re hickeys, whorina. They’re made when guys suck your neck through slightly parted teeth, rupturing small blood vessels under the skin.

To reduce the size of a hickey, apply cold packs every 15 minutes for the first two hours. Well, that’s for conscious people. For the unconscious who wake up with a sore ass and amnesia, it’s probably too late for ice. Try therapy. And maybe a topical vitamin K (make sure it’s a cream containing phytonadione).