Question Mark December 30, 2009

Mark,

I’m sort of heartbroken as I write this letter to you. I’ve talked all my friends’ ears off and feel guilty trying to talk to them more about this subject. Of course, it’s about a guy. We met at the White Party at Muscle Beach a few weeks ago. It was a magical experience. I was there with my friends and he was with his best friend. We struck up a conversation. That led to dancing and later on making out on the dance floor. All fun. All hot.

He lives in Miami and I’m in Lauderdale, so we skipped the after-party and went to his place after. We had great sex and I felt really connected. I left the next day with promises of calling each other and getting together over the next few days. I’ve dated a lot so I wasn’t freaking out over this guy, but I did really like him and felt we had potential.

He did call and we met for dinner and a movie. It was nice, but he was more distant than he was on the first night we met. After the movie we again went back to his place. Again, great sex. But then after he said he had an early morning. Taking his cue, I made my exit.

We’ve met two or three times since then and each time he seemed a bit more distant than the last. I don’t know what it is about me, but I seemed to get more into him as he became more “not into” me. Anyway, I called the other day to arrange a date and he said he couldn’t talk. He later texted me saying he couldn’t make it. He also said he was dating someone new and he hoped we could be friends. That was it. I called him but he won’t pick up his phone. I’m not sure what to do. Part of me wants to go down there and confront him but I don’t want to be a complete drama queen. I want to respond in an adult way. That’s when I thought of you. Help!

Brian, Lauderdale

Dear Brian,

It sounds like you had a really nice connection with this guy that you were excited about. From what you told me, it sounds as if he was initially into you as well. Who knows what made him begin to back off. Perhaps it was something about your behavior. But, more likely, it was something about him. Trouble dealing with intimacy is a problem for many guys, especially gay guys. We are programmed to protect ourselves and, for many men, being emotionally intimate with another man can feel too vulnerable, i.e. too scary. Gay men are great at sexual intimacy; emotional intimacy has a tendency to be lacking.

My advice is to take the high road here. There is nothing gained by going down and confronting him. If he wanted to talk to you he would have called. Forcing a conversation will only make him withdraw more and hurt your feelings all over again. Under “there are other fish in the sea,” I say go back out and continue your search for Mr. Right. Because, let me be clear, he is out there. There are plenty of emotionally available, viable men in South Florida to date. They are all looking as well. You have to present yourself as a viable candidate for them to notice you. You run the risk of being burnt once in a while, but you also keep the possibility of true romance alive.

Good luck!

Take Care,

Mark Rutherford LCSW