On behalf of the NRA, Iraq, and right-wing Christians, we would like to invite you to The Greatest Republican Primary in the History of Mankind. This 6-month, 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week event kicked off January 3rd in Iowa with the Wal-Mart Iowa Caucus presented by Lehman Brothers.
On behalf of the NRA, Iraq, and right-wing Christians, we would like to invite you to The Greatest Republican Primary in the History of Mankind. This 6-month, 24-hour-a-day, 7-day-a-week event kicked off January 3rd in Iowa with the Wal-Mart Iowa Caucus presented by Lehman Brothers.
Just like Black Friday, caucus-goers are already lining up on the streets to be the first inside what’s shaping up to be an event that humanity has yet to behold. Godfather’s Pizza will provide the food and entertainment featuring re-runs of Pokemon, while Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey and Moonshine Liquor will flow like the chocolate waterfall from Willy Wonka. The dress is Farmer Casual for men and Midwesterner on Vacation at Disney Tracksuit for women.
Once the corn stalks are counted, it’s time to hop on Sarah Palin’s One Nation Bus Tour and caravan up to the Great Grandiose Gigantic (in an ironic way) Granite State of New Hampshire for the January 10 Primary sponsored by LL Bean and Jim Beam. This 68-mile wide state, while only being the 2nd stop on The Greatest Republican Primary in the History of Mankind will most likely be the most rockin’ time of them all.
Win or lose Michelle Bachmann is teaming up with Standing Up for New Hampshire Families to throw the gayest gala that night.
“Every Tom, Dick and Marcus is going to be coming out of the closet of winter to be there,” Bachmann has been raving on her Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Tout, LinkedIn and Grindr profiles.
After an inbreeding stop at the South Carolina Primaries funded by Marlboro and Virginia Slims, we’ll head down south and encounter some controversy brewing in the Sunshine but only for those who pass a drug test State.
You see Marco Rubio & Rick Scott are hosting a Tea Party at the residence of some private individual who’s extremely rich, with an extremely privately private tea collection that he found inside of an elephant carcass while hunting in China. The controversy is that a majority of the Republican candidates believe they are co-hosting the event. Bachmann’s got her White Liptons all ironed out, while Newt Gingrich picked out a lovely Earl Grey suite to wear to the affair. (We know, we know, putting together a pair of khakis you took from your 2nd wife’s first husband and a blazer you took from your third wife’s previous husband is cheating your way into a suit—but we digress). Ron Paul is only invited to come to the parking lot, but he must stay in his car with his shotgun and dictionary.
Poor Mitt Romney is not invited to Florida’s fancy tea party; instead he’s going to a bash with all of his friends…corporations. Since Romney is currently unemployed and Congress is deadlocked on passing an unemployment benefits extension, Romney most likely is also be panhandling for gas money for his bus to continue on The Greatest Republican Primary in the History of Mankind tour presented by Pepto-Bismal, BP and Koch Brothers.
Next we might pass through some boring tree-filled states but we’ll just tape Wall Street Journals on the bus windows so we don’t have to be bothered with serenity, nature and really, America in general. With not much else to do, Herman Cain will tend bar and serve conservative fundamentalist drink concoctions like the Right Wing Sling, Maverick El Presidente or Red State Round-Up.
Finally we’ll arrive at March 6, Super Tuesday! For those of you attending The Greatest Republican Primary in the History of Mankind for the first time, please note that Super Tuesday is like a combination of losing your virginity and watching Titanic for the first time.
Only the most important Americans from Alaska, Georgia, Idaho, Massachusetts, North Dakota
Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Vermont and Virginia are allowed to vote on Super Duper Sweetness Tuesday, which means you’ll have to bring increasingly large amounts of marijuana to make attending any of the events scheduled in any of those states even halfway tolerable. Of course you’ll accidently take too much, and next thing you know you and Rick Perry are riding the Keystone Pipeline all the way to Funky Town.
The next day you’ll wake up with a hangover the size of Donald Trump’s ego and realize that the party really did go downhill after New Hampshire. Sure, some of the new friends you met will jump the bus and ride off to Wyoming and Kansas and some of the other states that no longer matter, but you’ll most likely have had your fill. Eventually all Republicans have to return to their Mercedes-driving, $1 million-dollar-a-month CEO jobs or $10 an hour church janitor careers.
Don’t worry your invite is in the mail. We used the Secure Communities Database to verify your address, number of people living in the household and shirt sizes (that’s right free DON’T TREAD ON ME t-shirts for all!)
Please RSVP no later than Rick Santorum’s bedtime. The Greatest Republican Primary in the History of Mankind is free to attend with God picking up all the costs.
