Hey Woody!

My boyfriend is addicted to p-rnography.   He’d rather masturbate to naked men on the videos than make love to me.  I’m not some skanky guy, Woody.  I’m 6 foot, 170 lbs and I work out every day.  I’ve tried to get him to read articles or get help but he won’t do it.  We’re having less and less sex and I’m getting more and more unhappy.  I don’t want to break up with him, I just want it to go back to the way it was.  How do I do it?

– – – F–k Me

Dear F–k You:

Your boyfriend is suffering from Osteop-rnosis.  It’s a degenerate disease that can only be cured by stealing his video collection and sending it to me.

The problem is that your boyfriend doesn’t just like p-rn, he *needs* it.  No fetish is a problem until it becomes a problem.  He has a problem.

And the biggest one is that he won’t admit he’s doing something that’s endangering your relationship.

He’s gotten himself so used to beating off to p-rn that he can’t get aroused from proven pheromone-ish stimulants, like say, this column.  Oh, yeah, and you.

There’s nothing wrong with “married guys” looking at p-rn.  I agree with P-rnmaster General, Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler.   He once said, “There are two kinds of people who oppose p-rn. Those who don’t know what they’re talking about and those who don’t know what they’re missing.”

But if p-rn’s the only way your boyfriend can be sexually satisfied it means that the p-rn is starting to matter more than sex itself.   Your boyfriend needs professional help.  Talk to him.  Let him know what you love about having sex with him.  Then tell him how disappointed you are that sex with him is getting less and less frequent.  Tell him you think the p-rn has made him lose his attraction to you.

He’ll have one of three responses:  denial, defensiveness, or…. oh, wait.  I forgot he’s gay.  That means his first response will be to walk to the mirror and make sure his hair’s okay.

You’ll probably have to give him an ultimatum.  It’s either you or the remote.  There’re lots of 12-step programs for sexual compulsives, as well as therapists who specialize in these situations.  Find a licensed sex therapist and offer to go with him.  Remember, you can lead a wh-re to semen, but you can’t make him swallow.  If he refuses to get help you might have to refuse dating him.

Hey Woody!

Settle a bet.  Can you get herpes without having sex?

– – –   Please say no

Dear Please:

You lose.  There are two types of viruses:  herpes simplex virus 1 (HSV-1) and herpes simplex virus 2 (HSV-2).  HSV-1 infects the oral cavity (“mouth” to us civilians) and is *not* sexually transmitted.  Not true with HSV-2.

The word herpes comes from the Greek word “herpein,” which means, “to creep.”  Not as in “to creep out,” which it will certainly do when you see it, but as in the advancing pattern of the skin lesions.

HSV-1 is far more common than HSV-2.  It often infects children by the time they’re five years old.  In some regions, 90% of people test positively for oral herpes.