Hey Woody!

What are your favorite gay jokes?

— Waiting for a chuckle

Joke #1

Why do gay men name their penises?

*Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.*

Joke #2

Three guys are standing over the ashes of their deceased lovers. The first guy says,”Jim, he loved the ocean! I’m going to to take his ashes out on a boat and sprinkle them all around.” The second guy said, “Bob, he loved to fly! I’m going to take his ashes up in an airplane, and sprinkle them all across the earth.”

The third guy said, “ Jeff, he loved my a–! I think I’m going to dump his ashes into a pot of chili so he can rip it apart one last time…”

Joke #3

What is the definition of safe sex in San Francisco?

*A padded headboard.*

Joke #4

This guy’s in love with his proctologist and constantly makes up excuses for an anal probe. On Valentine’s Day, the guy arrives complaining about an obstruction. The frustrated doctor, knowing he’s not going to find anything, sticks his hand up the patient’s a– anyway. “Good God!!!” the doctor exclaims. “No wonder you’re in pain — there are two dozen roses shoved up your a–!” The patient turns around excitedly and says, “Read the card! Read the card!”

Joke #5

What is the definition of “making love”?

*Something an eighteen-year-old does while you’re f–king him*

Joke #6

Three Labrador retrievers strike up a conversation at the vet. The black lab says “So why are you here?”

The yellow lab says, “I’m a p-sser. I p-ss on everything—the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. The final straw was last night when I p-ssed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black lab says, “So what do you think the vet will do?”

“Gonna give me Prozac,” said the yellow lab. “All the vets are prescribing it. Supposed to work for everything.”

The black lab then turns to the brown lab and says, “Why are you here?”

“I’m a digger,” said the brown lab. “I dig under fences, dig up flowers, I dig just for the hell of it. The last straw was when I dug a great big hole in my master’s couch.”

The black lab says “So what do you think they’ll do?”

“Looks like it’ll be Prozac for me too,” said the dejected lab.

The brown lab then turns to the black lab and says, “What are you in for?”

The black lab says “I’m a humper. I’ll hump anything. The cat, the pillows, the tables, whatever. The last straw was when my owner got out of the shower and bent over to dry himself. I couldn’t help myself, I hopped on his a– and pumped away.”

The brown and yellow labs exchange sad glances and say, “So Prozac for you, too, huh?”

​​​​​​​“No,” the black lab says, “I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

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Woody Miller
Woody Miller is 180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal. At least when he looks in the mirror. He’s the author of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star and How To Top Like A Stud.