Need Wood

Need Wood

Hey Woody,

I’m 100% gay but I’ve been having cyber sex with four straight guys.  I use a female screen name, complete with nudie pictures I downloaded from a website.

I’m on it every other night and I’ve developed strong relationships with these guys.  We’ve had great talks and even better sex.

I like to get cyber-f–ked by these guys, but the thing is, Woody, I’m a total top.  Never been f–ked by a guy and don’t really want to.  But for some reason, acting like a girl and typing out stuff like “f–k my p—y” to straight guys sends me to the moon.

Do you think it’s wrong to pretend I’m a girl to get straight guys to cyber-f–k me? Why do I have fantasies of being f–ked by a straight guy but not by a gay guy?  Am I hopeless?

– –  A f–ked top

Dear Top:

Let me get this straight.  You’re a gay “top” who fantasizes about straight guys f–king his p—y?

Christ, I gotta find another job.

Okay, here are two scenarios.  Put them in your hole and see which one fits.

Scenario One:  Your fantasy is to have sex with straight guys.  Welcome to life.  But the only way to have sex with straight guys is to ride the p—y express, baby.  You can’t have fantasies of topping a straight guy, not just because Falcon already made that movie, but because that scene is gay and your weenie wags for a straight vibe.

Scenario Two:  You want to get f–ked by a gay guy and this is the only safe way of expressing it.  You have what the shrinks in my panel like to call “Issues.”  Note the capital “I” in the word.  I put it there especially for you.

You’ve got to figure out what those “Issues” are and work through them.  Since I doubt you can afford my rates, you’ll have to take it up with someone else.

You don’t say what your hesitation is about getting f–ked by a guy so I’m not going to go there but I will say this: Once you start getting f–ked by a guy your straight cyber sex fantasies will slowly go away.  Because once you get a taste of the real thing, you’re going to take an ax to the computer.

Hey Woody!

I think I pulled a groin muscle.  My own, I mean.  It hurts like a mother.  How long will I have to go without sex?

– –  Hoping not too long

Dear Hoping:

Adductors are fan-like muscles in the upper thigh that pull the legs together when they contract.  They help stabilize the hip joint.

Groin strains occur when a muscle is stretched too far or meets an unexpected opposing force.  This can happen when you’re playing sports or dating me.

Anyway, always follow the R.I.C.E.W. treatment plan:  Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation and Woody.

“Wait,” you may be asking yourself, “how did Woody get in my groin?”

Trust me, you wouldn’t be the first to ask.

So here’s the treatment plan:  Avoid aggravating activities for the first couple of weeks.   That means no sex, no sports, no reading this column.

Once you’re well enough to start, ice the muscle after exercise to reduce any swelling. And after applying the ice, wrap the thigh to keep it compressed.  Pop some Ibuprofen, too.  That’ll help the swelling.