I liked your answer to the guy who j-rks off to the horrible pictures on www.rotten.com –that his fantasies are horrible, but that he probably isn’t.
You recommended “the couch.” Yes, but which couch? Most therapists aren’t prepared, emotionally or conceptually to help such a person.
He should hunt for those few who are “kink-aware,” and who already serve “safe, sane, and consensual” SM players (who may indeed enjoy fantasies and porn which are unsafe, insane, non-consensual). And also he should read up on his fetish, and related ones. Know thyself—even when the insight makes you want to puke. Self-knowledge can be the first step in “harm reduction.”
Tell him to try websites including sex educator Dr. Carol Queen (carolqueen.com); Society of Janus (soj.org); Greenery Press (greenerypress.com); and Black rose (br.org).
— Been There, Done Him
Great letter. Filled with useful information except for one thing—looking for “kink aware” therapists. What a crock of s–t.
I swear to God, you BDSM people drive me nuts. You’re constantly cloaking yourself in the high-priest garments of the anointed and croaking on and on about how special and different you are.
“Only *specialists* can help us,” you cry out in that special brand of arrogant self-pity you’ve perfected, “because we’re so *unusual*.”
Let me tell you something–You’re about as unusual as a hard-on in a Falcon video.
I called the lead psychologist in my panel of advisors to see if he could handle the “specialness” of a patient who be-ts off to pictures of corpses on the internet.
I caught him at lunch with several of his therapist friends. Not a “kink-aware” specialist in the bunch. He put the phone to his chest and he yelled out, “Hey, Woody wants to know if we’re emotionally and professionally capable of handling patients with disgusting fantasies and behaviors.”
The table exploded with laughter.
There isn’t a thing you could tell a good therapist that would shock them. They’re trained to handle startling deviations in human behavior. And they do it by creating a safe space for saying things, by being non-judgmental and accepting.
You know, like I do. You pompous, over-wrought drama queen.
Why is it that after I c–m I just want to roll over and fall asleep? Almost every guy I know is the same way, except my boyfriend, who I swear, he’s like a chick. He wants to talk and cuddle and have all kinds of heart to hearts after I c–m. I’ve tried changing him but nothing works. Is there something I can do to change?
— Snoring but satisfied
Yes. Become a woman.
Or just be honest. Say “Honey, after I c-me I need something only you can provide: Your absence.”
If you’re still alive after your honest communication, then explain the science behind your snoring: When you ejaculate your adrenal glands release epinephrine, a chemical that accelerates pulse, elevates blood pressure, and increases blood flow to muscles.
This “rush” depletes your muscles of glycogen, a carbohydrate your body depends on for energy (Glycogen converts to lactic acid during strenuous effort like working out at the gym).
That, sleepyhead, is why we go from the bump-and-grind to the slump-and-slide in a bathhouse second.
Generally speaking, the effect is less pronounced in men who have less muscle mass. So I guess your only hope of changing is to eat like a supermodel.