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needwood_banHey Woody!

I had a great fuck buddy.  We saw each other every week or so, and f–ked each other to insensibility. I liked him, but never thought we had enough in common for things to go further. That was fine with me, although I sometimes got the feeling he might have wanted more.

Finally we spent a whole night together. It was sweet to cuddle, and to wake up before dawn and do it again. Then I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Finally he calls. It’s Sunday morning. I’m puttering around drinking coffee and watering my plants. He says, “What are you doing? Why don’t you come over here and suck my c–k?” I say, “I have to take a shower, but I’ll be there in 45 minutes.” Then he says, “I was only kidding.” We proceed to have a nice chat, in the middle of which he says, “Somebody’s on the other line, I’ll call you back in a minute.”

That was three weeks ago. I miss having sex with him and I’m confused about why it ended.  Why do you think he pulled the plug?

—  Miss the bang-bang

Dear Bang-bang:

I could tell you it was this or that but then I’d be eliminating the other thousand possibilities.   It could be a boyfriend he never told you about, an ex-boyfriend who just moved back, meeting someone he wanted get serious with.  But the most likely scenario is that he walked by a mirror as he was talking to you and he just lost track of why he called.

There’s a formula that might help you understand the nature of your relationship with him:  F–k Buddy = Sex Toy.  Like any child, gay men can only play with the same toy for so long before they get tired of it.  Basically, the formula contains a stick of dynamite.  Maybe the fuse got lit and you got the detonating phone call.

Another possibility:  When he spent that tender night you got humanized and, oh dear, there went the erotic illusion.   You went from c-m bucket to actual person, bringing up an intimacy that scared him.

But enough maybes.  F–k buddies are like a pint of fresh milk:  They have a short shelf life.

Hey Woody!

Do you believe in aphrodisiacs?  I’ve heard that all kinds of stuff can bring lust to your heart and your date to his knees.  Do oysters do it?  Does anything?

—  Ready to swallow

Dear Ready:

Oysters got their reputation as a sexual kick-start because of their resemblance to the female anatomy.  I know.  Barf.  I can hear all the seafood forks held by gay men clanging down on their plates.

“Aphrodisiac” came from a Greek Goddess of Love named Woody.  Or is it Aphrodite?  I forget.   Anyway, WebMD, the most respected medical website on the internet said, “Alcohol is one of the only things known for ages as an aphrodisiac that has any real effect on sexual desire.  A little alcohol can dissolve inhibitions and put you in the mood.”

But as MacBeth said:  “It increases the desire but it takes away the performance.”

Liquor doesn’t make you horny or potent; it just dissolves inhibitions, a completely different thing.  Remember, a little goes a long way.  Three and a half drinks for a 150 lb. man and they’ll call you stud.  Four drinks and they’ll call dud.

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