wood_bannerHey, woody!

I’m interested in this guy but I haven’t asked him out even though he’s dropping hints like your readers drop acid.  Why?  Because although *He’s* a hottie, and all his boyfriends have been ugly.  Woody, I don’t mean “unattractive” I mean, UGLY.  Here’s the way I figure it:  If he’s attracted to me it must mean *I’m* ugly.  And worse, it’ll broadcast to everyone that I’m in the same ugly class as all his other boyfriends.

I know I’m being shallow and superficial.  Help me not be.  How do I get over this so I can ask him out?

—  Puddle-deep

Dear Puddle-deep:

You remind me of a great joke.  A young Catholic guy goes to see his priest at confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, my son?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day, and sometimes more, I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest considers this for a moment, and looks through the screen at the man before responding. “My son, I have good news,” he says. “That isn’t a sin. It’s simply a mistake.”

Here’s my advice:  Focus.  Lift your attention off of yourself and on to him.  Concentrate on what you like about him, not on what you don’t like about his ex-boyfriends.  Remember, what you think about expands.  Physically, that explains why our jeans bulge.  Meta-physically it explains why your obsessions pulse.  If you think about ugly ex-boyfriends being a statement of your beauty then you’re going to find yourself in self-esteem quicksand.  But if you think about the hottie and having a good time with him, you’re going to find yourself in his arms.

What you choose to think about lands you in the place you’re thinking about.  I’d rather land in his bed.  How about you?

Hey, woody!

My friends make fun of me because I only give head if the guy’s wearing a condom.  I have to admit, it’s getting old but I’m scared to death of HIV even though it’s 2013.  How safe are unprotected b–wjobs?

—  Tired of tasting rubber

Dear Tired:

It’s very safe as long as you don’t have cuts, abrasions or blisters in your mouth.  In study after study, receptive oral sex comes out incredibly safe.  In one study all participants said they had given head without condoms and had not played hide the salami in any cavities below the waist (no anal).  Twenty-eight percent had HIV-positive partners, and of those 39% said they had swallowed semen, which of course doesn’t just make them test subjects but stupid test subjects.

But I digress.  The point is that none of the men in the study became infected.  The risk of HIV transmission via oral sex is VERY low.  Some scientists even think it’s zero.

Researchers have also studied sero-opposite couples (one is HIV positive, the other not). In one study, couples engaged in an estimated 19,000 acts of unprotected oral sex. Anyway, none of the negative partners converted.

So, can oral sex transmit HIV?  Yes.  But the odds of getting HIV through oral sex are smaller than the odds of getting hit by a bus.

Now, people do get hit by a bus.  Hell, every time people read this column they get run over by the clue bus.  It’s not like b–wjobs are completely safe, but as long as you make sure that you have no cuts, irritations or gum diseases in your mouth, I think it would be as stupid to s–k with a condom as it is to f–k without one.