Hey Woody!

I saw a guy recently at a bar.  For a few weeks we kept giving each other “the look” but neither one of us would make the first move.  Finally I approached him even though he was standing in a group with his friends.  It took a lot of courage for me to do this and when I did, he totally humiliated me.  I don’t hit on strangers but I really thought this guy was interested.

I can’t even bring myself to go back to that club now for fear of seeing him and his friends.  How do I get over this?

—  Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed:

Well, your first mistake was waiting a few weeks to approach him.  The more momentum and anticipation you build up to meeting someone the harder you’re going to take it if it doesn’t work out.  Proof?  You’re writing a hack for advice.

A hot hack, but you get my point.

Your second mistake was approaching him while he was in a group.  How many times do I have to say this to you people?  Only go after calves that have separated from the herd.   If you want to score you have to chase prey that’s slow-on-the-hoof.  Do that and you’ll dine sumptuously on Leg of Laggard.

Never approach a guy standing in a group.  How will you know one of them isn’t his boyfriend?   How will you know one of them isn’t his ex-boyfriend who’s jealous as hell?  How will you know one of them isn’t his date?

People act differently when they’re around their friends.  I, for instance, act nearly human.  Others pretend they’re at the bar for the music and not the men.  Nobody wants witnesses when they’re being hit on.  It gives the witnesses teasing rights.

Get a grip on your self-esteem.  First, don’t over-dramatize his “humiliation.”  He probably turned his back on you while you were talking or made some snide comment.  Yeah, it hurts, but so what? Remember, it’s not the snakebite that kills you; it’s the venom that pours through your blood.  In your case, it’s not his “humiliation” that’s hurting you; it’s your interpretation of the experience.

Your interpretation is that there’s something wrong with you.  But another interpretation might be that there’s something wrong with HIM.   Here’s what you need to do:  Go back to the bar and make a point of saying hello to him.  Smile, say hello and walk away.

By doing the avoidance thing you’ve given him power over you.  You’ve let him direct what bar you’re allowed to go in.  Take your power back by being what he wasn’t:  Decent.  Be proud of your courage to go up to a stranger and make a connection.  So what if it didn’t work out?  When they’re rejected, successful guys don’t say, “Oh, I’m so ugly and undesirable”.  They say, “Oh, too bad that didn’t work.  What about that guy over there?”

Hey Woody!

When I c-m I don’t dribble, I spurt.  Like, if I’m going to c-m on a guy’s chest, I’ve gotta beat off near his ankles or I’ll fling my sperm over his head.

Anyway, I got my j-sm all over my boyfriend’s couch.  How do I get it out?  I’d ask Martha Stewart but she seems a little busy.

—  Sticky in Houston

Even The New York Public Library Desk Reference (household hints division) didn’t have “ejaculate” as a listing.  There was a subsection titled “Fish slime, mucus and vomit” but no section on semen.  Go figure.

My advice?  Stick with the basics:  sponge with cool water.  If that doesn’t do it, try diluted ammonia or vinegar. And if that doesn’t do it try some of the common stain removers and upholstery cleaners.  And if that doesn’t do it you have one more option, though I’d pour it in an empty bottle to save yourself the embarrassment of the original label:  Pet stain remover.