Hey Woody!

Do you think making homegrown p-rn is a good idea? 

—  In Focus

Dear Focus:

I think it’s a great idea.  Like Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler once said, “There are two kinds of people who criticize p-rn—those who don’t know what they’re talking about and those who don’t know what they’re missing.”  God bless his trashy heart.

Filming yourselves having sex won’t just make you hot, it’ll make you talk.  Who cares about talking?  Well, studies show that the strongest indicator of sexual satisfaction among couples is the ability to express sexual feelings to their partners.  Homegrown p-rn is a great vehicle to talk about what you like and what you don’t. *(“Pause the remote, honey.  See how you got the vibrating anal eggs caught in the industrial-strength tit-wrenching clamp?  Well, it set off the Black & Decker kick-starting dildo and it almost made chili out of my insides.  You need to have a steadier hand.”)*

Seriously, most couples don’t really talk *about* sex.  They talk *around* it, using euphemisms, code words, and gestures that can easily be misinterpreted by their partners.  Watching yourselves on video prevents you from hiding behind indirect references and encourages you to use direct language.

Homegrown p-rn can also turbo-charge the times you’re away from each other.  If one of you travels for work the one at home can pop in a favorite video and have a go at it.  Hey, it’s the next best thing to being there.  Just promise me one thing—you won’t use cheesy p-rn lines like “F–k that a–.”

Hey Woody!

My boyfriend turns into a mean, cruel jerk when he drinks. The only problem is, he’s great in the sack when he’s drinking.  How can I get him to stop drinking without giving up good sex?  Sex sucks when he’s sober.

—  Bottoms up

Dear Bottoms Up:

Booze makes him great in bed?  You shouldn’t be grateful; you should be angry.  You know what he’s really saying?  *“You only turn me on when I’m drunk.”* If that’s your idea of a stable, loving relationship, then by all means, pour him another one.

You guys are headed for a fall and it won’t be into bed; it’ll be into hell.  Here’s what I’d do:  Talk to him when he’s in a receptive mood.  Don’t ever start off by saying “You’re drinking too much.”  That’s not a statement; it’s an attack.  Start with a compliment, something like, “I love to party with you, but I’m worried about something.  Last night at the club I felt embarrassed by what you did. It’s getting harder and harder for me to be around you when you drink.  How can we work this out?”

Let him know how his behavior affects you (“I love how we have sex but when you insist on drinking beforehand it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me”).

I promise you this: You can’t charm, threaten, or beg him into changing so there’s no point in trying.  The only thing you can do is to remove yourself from him when he’s drinking.  Start setting stricter boundaries and tougher requests.  Example:  “If you’re going to get drunk after dinner then drop me off.”  Just make sure you set boundaries without retaliating (“I’m going to the baths”).  Your only hope of getting him to change is to get him to see what he’s going to lose if he doesn’t.