Hey, Woody!

I slept with my best friend’s boyfriend.  It was a drunken mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. I want to tell him but I’m afraid of losing his friendship. What should I do? 

— Honest Indian

 Dear Indian:

Most professionals would recommend that you acknowledge your dirty deed and pay the price, even if it means losing your best friend. 

Lucky for you, I’m not a professional. I say silence is golden. Act like you’re in Ft. Knox. Honesty is an incredibly over-rated gesture in situations like this. If any good could come out of your best friend knowing, I’d say do it. Unloading your guilt doesn’t qualify as a self-less, beneficial act. It’s like taking a dump in his living room. Sure, you’ll feel unburdened but what’s he supposed to do with a hot, steaming load of sh!t on his rug? I say keep your mouth shut, your fly zipped and acknowledge a terrible mistake you resolve never to repeat.

 

Hey, Woody!

You know those vacuum pumps advertised in men’s magazines that promise to put at least another inch on your manhood? Are they a waste of money? 

Wondering

 Dear Wondering:

I’m wondering what I’m doing wrong that I’m still getting pathetic letters like this. For the last time, there is no known way to make your penis bigger. Why do you think we build all those nuclear bombs? 

These vacuum pumps were originally devised to help men with erection problems. You stick your soft penis into a plastic cylinder and like a hamster pressing a lever for the treat; you press a lever that pumps air out of the cylinder. This creates a vacuum that draws blood into the penis and voila! Erection. Then you tie a specially designed rubber band around the base of your penis (to hold the blood in place and keep a full erection). 

The boys in the vacuum pump industry got a little ahead of themselves and decided they could repackage it as a way of making you a bigger man. Technically, they’re right—the pumps do make your penis bigger. In the same way your mouth can make mine bigger.