Dear Andreus,

One of my closest friends doesn’t like my boyfriend.  He continues to make rude comments about him to me in his presence.  We have been friends for a while now, and I don’t want to have to choose. I have voiced my concerns to him before, and still the behavior continues.  I want both in my life, but clearly, I can’t make them like one another. I am not sure how to effectively remedy this situation. 

Sincerely,

Carlos G.

Dear Carlos,

You don’t ever have control over how people will interact or how they will feel about each other.  Ideally, we would all like for everyone we know to get along, especially when it comes to our friends and significant others.  In this situation, you should let your friend know that his behavior is not only inappropriate, but that it threatens your friendship.  Maybe he does not comprehend how seriously this affects you. If that does not work, unfortunately, you may have to choose. If your friend cannot respect you enough to respect you and your boyfriend as a unit, you may need to re-evaluate your friendship.  The other alternative, is to spend time with your friend separate from your boyfriend, which you really should not have to do. 

Dear Andreus,

My friend’s boyfriend is racist.  We are a circle of Latino friends, and his boyfriend is Caucasian.  He grew up with a very conservative family in Texas and has a very inappropriate sense of humor.  My friend brings him along to every get-together or outing that we have, and he always makes derogatory comments.  I have had enough, but don’t want to confront him for the sake of my friend. How do I do this and avoid any potential animosity?

Sincerely,

Camilo S.

Dear Camilo,

We live in a world now where racist comments, along with other things are less tolerated.  The reality is that someone needs to speak up. You may not be able to avoid animosity, because there is a chance that he might be defensive.  If this is an issue that is making everyone uncomfortable, maybe you all need to speak with him individually, or as a group, away from his boyfriend so that he recognizes the affect that his boyfriends’ comments/behaviors has on everyone.  Sometimes what is normal for someone is a foreign concept to someone else. He should certainly be the one to bring this to his boyfriend’s attention. I hope things work out for the best!