Anal Bleaching
Hey Woody,
I’m an ass-freak. I love to “toss salad” and get my own lettuce flipped and licked. I want my sphincter in porn-quality shape—the pinkest pink possible. Have you heard of anal bleaching? I want to get it done, but where? It’s not the kind of thing salons advertise. Also, is it possible to DIY it?
– Throbbing for love
Hey Woody,
I’m an ass-freak. I love to “toss salad” and get my own lettuce flipped and licked. I want my sphincter in porn-quality shape—the pinkest pink possible. Have you heard of anal bleaching? I want to get it done, but where? It’s not the kind of thing salons advertise. Also, is it possible to DIY it?
– Throbbing for love
Dear Throbbing,
You’re shit out of luck. There are only two salons I know of that do it—one in Australia and one in Los Angeles called Pink Cheeks, which has a sign hanging on the wall that says, “NO WHINING.” Funny, I have the same sign hanging over my bed.
Here’s how the backdoor beauty regimen works: You clear the area of any hair, then apply bleaching creams with the active ingredients used in photo processing and rubber manufacturing. Ahh, smearing toxic chemicals on my ass—now there’s a procedure I don’t get nearly enough of. Anyway, you then use the cream each night until you achieve the desired lightness. Professional butt-bleachers claim you’ll see results in one to two weeks.
I’m strongly opposed to anal bleaching. First, who’s going to know? How many people are going to look at your starfish with enough light to tell the difference? Are you expecting guys to say, “You know, there’s something different about you but I can’t put my finger on it?”
Second, and more importantly, medical experts believe the active ingredients in anal bleach creams are toxic. Basically, you’ll be rubbing flammable chemicals on your butt. I’m all for having 5-alarm sex but do you really want flames shooting out of your ass like a rocket on take-off?
If you’re going to pursue a perfect shade of ass no matter what I say, then at least look for creams that don’t have hydroquinone or mercury. There’s only one bleaching cream with non-toxic, natural ingredients. And no, I’m not going to tell you what it is because I don’t want your ass on my hands.
Wait. That didn’t come out right.
Anyway, shaving your ass may not get your sphincter in porn-quality shape, but it’s a whole lot safer. A bald starfish heightens sensations and improves sanitation (the surrounding hair catches hot-from-the-oven bum-bons. Shave the hair, save the wall). You have two options to make that happen:
• Depilatory Creams
Use only the ones marked “for sensitive areas.” Remember, products like Nair are c-h-e-m-i-c-a-l-s. If there’s no hair left to dissolve because you’ve left it on too long it’ll start dissolving your skin. So, if it says “leave on for two or three minutes” you better stare at the stopwatch as if the ticker’s going to detonate your dick.
• Shaving
Do NOT use an electric shaver—you’ll mulch your sphincter. I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’ve learned to never under-estimate gay stupidity: Do not wax the hair off your ass. Your screams will shatter all the windows in the house. For best results, follow the instructions in my column about shaving your balls. Here’s the short version: Cut the extra long hair with scissors, take a warm bath to open the pores, spread your legs wide, and shave. Carefully. You don’t want the tub to look like you botched an abortion.
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