Hey Woody!

My pothead boyfriend smokes at least every other day and he’s got zero interest in sex. The only thing standing upright in my house is the vacuum cleaner.  Would it help if I slipped him some Viagra?  Is it safe for him to take the big blue pill while he’s stoned?  He just doesn’t seem to want me or anyone else for that matter.

— Begging for it


Dear Begging:

I’m still trying to figure out how you “slip” Viagra into somebody.  I guess you could crush it into a powder and mix it with water like Tang.  We could call it Bang.

There are no known interactions between Viagra and pot;  as long as he doesn’t have any blood pressure or heart conditions he shouldn’t have any problems.  But I doubt it’ll do any good. Viagra can give you a boner but it can’t give you what comes before it—desire.

Sexual arousal starts above the belt, not below it.  Brain cells get activated, which start the blood flow to you-know-where.  If brain cells can’t process a sexually-exciting image (say, you in “Dance Fever” leotards) because there’s enough marijuana haze to make asthmatics long for the cleanliness of Los Angeles air, then what good is Viagra going to do?

A lot of scientists believe marijuana decreases testosterone, sperm count and consequently, sexual desire.  It’s been proven in lab rats that marijuana changes the chemistry of the nerve cells in the brain affecting sexual behavior, the same cells that regulate hormones producing testosterone and sperm.

Rats, schmats, nobody really knows marijuana’s sexual effects on humans. The studies may be contradictory but don’t be a fool.  You can’t do anything in excess and not have it affect your sex life.  I’m afraid you’re going to have to give your boyfriend something harsher than Viagra—an ultimatum.  It’s decision time:  Your a– or his pot.


Hey Woody!

I’ve been bottoming with gleeful abandon lately and I’ve noticed something kinda gross—I’m not near as tight as I used to be. I’m leaking into my underwear. What can I do? And don’t tell me to stop f–king—it ain’t gonna happen.

— F–ked coming and going


Dear F–ked:

Your sphincter is a muscle designed to keep your butt closed.  The more it stretches, the more elasticity it loses and the more likely it won’t contract to full closure.  

Put the bounce back in your a– with “Kegel” exercises. Tighten your anus like you were stopping the flow of urine, hold for a few seconds and let go.  Typically you want to do them for a few minutes, but in your case, trampolina, I’d be spending at least 15 minutes a day feeling the burn.

Anyway, if you don’t recuperate your sphincter’s elasticity, you’re going to find even uglier surprises in your underwear.  Ultimately, you might need surgery to close it up.  Having a surgeon up your a– is fun only when it’s a date, not when it’s a procedure.