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Hey Woody,

I just got out of a long-term relationship and am not looking to get into anything too serious. I met this guy from out of town and had porn-style sex that was hotter then anything I’ve ever experienced. We talk occasionally on the phone, which eventually led to sweat-worthy phone sex. The other night, he blurted out “I love you” in the middle of our long-distance sessions while letting his fingers do the walking. We both ignored it but I wonder if I should bring it up.

Phone Sex

Hey Woody,

I just got out of a long-term relationship and am not looking to get into anything too serious. I met this guy from out of town and had porn-style sex that was hotter then anything I’ve ever experienced. We talk occasionally on the phone, which eventually led to sweat-worthy phone sex. The other night, he blurted out “I love you” in the middle of our long-distance sessions while letting his fingers do the walking. We both ignored it but I wonder if I should bring it up. It wouldn’t be the first time someone has said the “L word” to me in the heat of passion…and I do like this guy a lot, but I don’t think I should get into something too serious right away. Is this something I need to talk about with this guy? Should I take a cry for commitment made during phone sex seriously? Or should I pretend that it never happened?

-Call Boy

Dear Call Boy,

I hope your injuries aren’t too serious—that fall from your ego to your IQ must have hurt like hell. You call someone blurting out “I love you” in the heat of phone sex a “cry for commitment?” Please. I call it static on the line. First of all, it’s not unusual to say “I love you” to someone you’re not in love with during an intense session. Hot sex sometimes amplifies feelings you might not have outside the bedroom. Second, he may not even realize he said it. Or it may be something he says to heighten his experience.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that he meant it. That still isn’t a “cry for commitment”—it’s a statement of his feelings. You can be in love with someone and not want to be in a committed relationship. Should you talk to him about it? Absolutely not. If you want to keep things light don’t bring up something heavy. Have I taught you people nothing? Never pay attention to what a man says; only what he does.

Hey Woody,

I hit the gym hard this past year and it paid off. I lost over 50 pounds. I expected to feel better and improve my man-magnetism, but what I hadn’t expected is how horny I’d get. I used to beat off maybe once or twice a week and now I do it almost every night. Can losing weight be responsible for my redlining libido or is it just my improved self-esteem?

-Former fatty

Dear Former Fatty,

There’s no question that being fit makes you locked, c*cked and ready to rock. There are many studies showing a correlation between weight loss and libido gain. The latest study shows a strong correlation between waist-size and c*ck-rise. The larger a man’s waist size, the greater his chance of having erectile dysfunction. Why? Because the fatter you are the more likely you are to suffer from diabetes and cardiovascular problems that’ll give your penis a flat tire. Exercise improves the body’s ability to pump and circulate blood throughout the body. As far as your masturbation goes, we need to get you to a full service gas station. Aren’t you tired of pulling up to the self-service lane?

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