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Hey Woody,

I met this guy who wouldn’t go home with me, even though we made out in a notorious pickup bar. He wasn’t the typical hypocrite—you know, the kind that say, “I’m not that kind of girl” before they head to the baths. He actually asked me out. So, we go to dinner the next night and he brought up The Question That Must Be Asked On a Gay Date: *”Who are you in Sex in the City?”*

Hey Woody,

I met this guy who wouldn’t go home with me, even though we made out in a notorious pickup bar. He wasn’t the typical hypocrite—you know, the kind that say, “I’m not that kind of girl” before they head to the baths. He actually asked me out. So, we go to dinner the next night and he brought up The Question That Must Be Asked On a Gay Date: *”Who are you in Sex in the City?”*

He said, “Charlotte.” I gulped. I make “Samantha” look like a nun. I sidestepped the question by saying I never thought about it and then changed the subject. Later, I managed to worm my way into his crotch. Next morning his attitude completely changed about me.

We talked and he told me he had wanted a date, not a hook-up. He wanted to get to know me, not blow me. He said he needed a stronger emotional connection before having sex and now he feels cheapened by the whole thing, even though he likes me. Bottom line: He doesn’t want to see me anymore. My question: What was I supposed to do—lie that I wasn’t “Samantha?” I don’t see anything wrong with having sex on the first date. Was I supposed to pretend I felt the way he did? Woody, what can I do to salvage this? I really liked this guy and could see myself seriously dating him and giving up my Samanthic ways.

-Blew it

Dear Blew it,

Don’t you hate going out with women? You really ought to try men. Seriously, you did blow it. Not every guy wants to drop trou and start ruttin’ when he meets someone attractive. The clue was the phone was ringing for hours but you refused to pick up. I even yelled, “IT’S FOR YOU!” after I answered but apparently you didn’t hear me. You really ought to do something about that waxy build-up in your ears.

For the record, you did the right thing by avoiding the Sex and the City label. Telling a Charlotte you’re a Samantha is like telling a vegetarian you’re a butcher–not a good idea.

I’m not saying you should lie on a date; I’m saying there’s a time and a place to reveal potential deal-breakers. He was going out with you, not your history. A first date is not the time to tell someone your parrot can recite hundreds of male names.

You fucked up because you broke two fundamental rules in dating someone you’re seriously interested in: Taking their hints seriously and mirroring their actions.

Here’s the thing about dating: The guy with the ability to say no to what the other person values most is the guy with the power. Example: If a rich older guy values youth more than his young date values money, guess who’s in control of the relationship?

If a wallflower goes out with a d*ck-pig guess who calls the shots? You didn’t pay attention to the power dynamic and you got shot in the ass.

So can you rescue this? Yes. He clearly likes you. Your job is to convince him that his first impression was wrong. Wait. Actually it was dead right–that’s the problem. So, really your job is to convince him that you can offer him the things he wants. How do you do that? By going at a snail’s pace.

Wait a month and call him. Don’t ask him out. Call him every week or so just to share some laughs. About the third call ask him to meet you for coffee some afternoon (not at night—that looks too close to a date). If he’s responsive then ask him out at coffee. And if he says “yes,” for God’s sakes, keep your hands to yourself. If he doesn’t want to have sex after three dates, then dump him. It means you’re dating Cinderella, not Charlotte.

Download woody’s new ebook, How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains at http://www.mikealvear.com/gay-anal-sex-how-to-bottom-without-pain-or-stains/

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