NEED WOOD

need woodHey Woody,

I’ve never been f*cked before. I want to do it but I’m really afraid of the pain and discomfort. What’s the best way of making sure I don’t have a pain-fest on the Hershey Highway?

-Willing but fearful

buttHey Woody,

I’ve never been f*cked before. I want to do it but I’m really afraid of the pain and discomfort. What’s the best way of making sure I don’t have a pain-fest on the Hershey Highway?

-Willing but fearful

Dear Willing,

Football coaches give the best butt-f*cking advice: Don’t play through the pain.

Okay, so maybe they aren’t talking about sex. I get confused when I see the quarterback’s hands massaging the center’s prostate before the ball gets hiked.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re afraid of the potential pain in anal sex. Pain is your body’s way of saying “Back off, bitch, or I’ll *really* give you something to howl about.” Pain is your body’s way of saying you’re tearing the lining of the sphincter and anal canal.

Your mistake is in thinking that anal sex has to hurt. It doesn’t. Here’s my annual Ass 101 seminar. Otherwise known as “Pain-Free F*cking.” Follow the steps and you’ll have your legs in the air faster than an actor on a casting couch.

1. 1. Map your ass.

Before you go on a self-guided tour, make sure you understand male anatomy. Getting a diagram always helps. Below is one of the clearest ones on the net. Memorize it so when you follow the next steps you’ll know which end is up: http://men.webmd.com/picture-of-the-prostate

1. 2. Fill ‘er up

Know the ins and outs of your booty. Use your fingers to trace the contours of the outer sphincter and inner rectum. Get familiar with how your ass is laid out before someone lays it in. Finger yourself while you’re masturbating. Finger yourself when you’re not masturbating. Finger yourself every chance you get. (The shower is perfect. It’ll do double-duty, if you know what I mean). The only time most of us touch our asses is when we wipe them. That’s why most guys are surprised to learn they have two rings in their sphincters (less than a quarter inch apart). If you can master both these rings you’ll be the pain-free assmaster you’re dreaming about.

1. 3. Asset allocations

Never mind gold, silver or pork bellies, make sure that 25% of your stock portfolio is in lubes. Because one of the secrets of pain-free fucking is lube, lube and more lube.

1. 4. Toy with yourself

Go to an adult toy store and buy three dildos: Small, medium and large. Keep in mind that the average penis is 5.1 inches in length and 4.8 inches in girth. That means a small dildo should be 4 inches or less, an average dildo around 5 inches and a large one six or more inches.

1. 5. Pace Yourself

Drown the smallest dildo in lube and slowly insert the tip into your starfish. Notice the sensation. The outer and inner ring of the sphincter will tighten. The outer ring is controlled voluntarily, meaning you can concentrate and get it to relax. Do that. The inner ring is governed by the autonomic nervous system, meaning you can’t “will” it to relax. So how do you relax? You stay put. As your body recognizes that the foreign object is not going to hurt it, it’ll relax on its own. Next step: push the toy in a little further and cycle through the last few steps I just laid out. Next, graduate to the average and then larger penis.

1. 6. Take yourself for a test drive

The most important thing you’ve done is train your sphincter muscles to relax when it’s being entered. Now you’re ready for the real thing. Time to haul out the man-meat. Take his dick and follow the procedures in Step 5. Push, stop, relax. Push, stop, relax.

Follow these steps and you’ll be such a power bottom your next problem will be stopping yourself from saying, “Stick it in already, I got laundry to do.”

Download woody’s new ebook, How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains at http://www.mikealvear.com/gay-anal-sex-how-to-bottom-without-pain-or-stains/

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